Job Interview - A Poem

Could there be an end to this long, dark economic tunnel of despair?

Far off, yonder.

Well, actually Tuesday at 12pm.

There may be hope.

And I can be a real grown up.

With dental benefits.

And so I wait.

Here goes nothing.

Should Have Written This Yesterday

I found out that the World Trade Center had been struck after walking into my Logic and Reasoning class. It was my freshman year of college and my first day of class. The room was empty except for two girls who were, like me, looking around confused. A fourth student, a guy, runs into the room and says breathlessly "The World Trade Center's been hit!"

"Don't say that!" one girl says.

The other girl says, "That's not funny."

"No. It's true," the guy said with a big smile on his face. "It was hit by some airplanes. It's on TV now." To be honest, it was his smile that convinced me that he was telling the truth. As someone who's always smiled or laughed hysterically after learning something horrible, I recognized his crazed reaction. Embarrassingly, I never really knew a lot about the World Trade Center, but I knew this was a huge deal and practically ran back to my dorm room.

In my dorm room, with one of the guys from my Logic Class, we watched in disbelief as they played the video footage of the airplanes hitting the towers. They played the video over and over and over again on every news station. The guy (I forget his name) told me about how he's from North New Jersey and grew up seeing the Twin Towers every day. He said that he even lived in New York and had a ton of family there. I related to him that my sister had just moved from New York this year and that she was up there a week ago getting some things done. This was a person that I barely knew but we became friends based on this shared tragedy and it was like we were coming to terms with how we were all connected in some bizarre way, to this horrible event.

Funny thing, I was really numb that day. For some odd reason, as far as I could see, I was fine. I didn't shed a tear. I wasn't hindered from doing anything I wouldn't normally do. Everything was just . . . normal. Of course, I was upset about the towers and sad for the people that lost their lives, but I don't remember being scared and I even remember being a little happy that class was cancelled. It wasn't until later that I realized that 9/11 had changed my life forever.

One day, I don't remember when exactly, but an airplane had been flying overhead. And I freaked. out. I'm talking about crouching to the ground, closing my eyes and putting my hands over my ears. Freaked out. It was then that it hit me. My life would never be the same. Before 9/11, I would have never been afraid like that. In fact, I'd always been excited to see an airplane flying overhead. But after September 11th, every couple of years, I would have dreams about airplanes flying into my home or the homes of friends and family. It was like all of the pain and devastation that had hit so many people all at once on that one day, took years to reach full capacity in my conscious mind. And I was finally feeling the pain and anger and sadness that I'd seemingly lacked on September 11th 2001.

So, that's my experience. I haven't had the airplane dreams in a while but I still get a horrible sinking feeling when I see a low flying airplane (or even a high one, sometimes). It's just a part of my life now. Just as the increased security at airports and the constant "threat of terror" that finds its way into political rhetoric. These are things that are now just a part of our lives as Americans and the fact that I remember how things were before it got this way, gives me some serious pause.

I believe that one day, we (and I mean mankind as a whole) are going to see the light. Life without violence, or warfare or terror anywhere in the world. Days of destruction and hatred will be over and war will be a thing of the past. Tragedies such as the one that happened on September 11th are a sobering reminder that we haven't gotten there yet. But it will forever serve as a wake up call that will lead to our enlightenment. And in that sense, everyone who lost their lives did not die in vain. My prayers go out to them and their families as well as the friends and families of everyone in the world who has lost their lives in an unnecessary tragedy.

What Should I Read?

So now that I'm actively writing in my blog again, I've decided that it's important for me to start getting back to actually reading blogs again. Unfortunately, upon checking the old blogroll I realize that all of my favorite writers haven't posted in over a year. (It's like we all went into "blog hibernation" at the same time.) Either way, I need some new sites to follow. So if anybody is reading this . . . if anybody is out there . . . please, give me some suggestions. I would love to know "what's hot on the skreets" right now. For the time being, I will continue to send out subliminal messages to the likes of my fellow hibernators who have yet to reemerge from their caves . . . come baaaaaack!!! lol (okay, not so subliminal). Either way, thank God for the ones who have continued to write - see my blog roll - you guys are gangster!

Last Night

I found myself reaching for my blanket . . . Uh oh.

Methinks

Damn it all. Will work for food.

The First Day of the Rest of My Life?

So today while on a walk with my pup, I realized that I have a fear of commitment. Rather, I should say that I realized how deep my fear of commitment actually ran. It's so deep that I haven't really finished anything in life. I mean, like I haven't committed to anything from start to finish. Writing blogs, reading books, writing screenplays, my relationship (and relationships in general), jobs, projects, diets, the list goes on and on and on. This idea crept up on me in the middle of the park while attempting to read a book. And to tell you the truth, I'm a little shocked by it.

So, I'm fighting my first urge which is to experience guilt and feelings of failure which is my body's natural defense against coming up with real solutions. Instead I've decided to dig into this a little; do a little soul searching. Why don't I finish anything? Why do I suddenly just drop things never to return and complete them? It didn't take long for me to come up with this simple answer: I drop things in life when I no longer want to do them anymore, when they become unpleasant or I'm distracted by something shinier and especially when they become too much work - which, to be honest, depends on the day and what kind of mood I'm in. (There are some exceptions like employment and school, but best believe I've left plenty of jobs as soon as another opportunity arose.)

But upon looking back at the different situations, I ask myself Could I have stayed longer? And the answer, sadly, is no. Followed by Why should I? Why stay in a situation that is unpleasant in order to prove a point? But I guess that's where I've been wrong all of this time. Because that doesn't make up for all of the unfinished books, blogs, journals, screenplays, relationships, projects, diets, and whatever else I decide to pick up and then leave by the wayside. Finishing those things wouldn't prove a point. They would be accomplishing a goal. So I've decided that my year starts now . . . in the month of September. And my goal is to finish EVERY SINGLE THING that I have started in life.

These things include . . .

10 books

2 blogs

15 Paintings

3 screenplays

Finish whatever it is I've been trying to knit

840 hours of service

A solid work-out regimen

Lose 15 lbs.

Get married or get off the pot, so-to-speak

Hem the curtain in my living room

Purge my house and throw out all unnecessary items

And visit my friends in Texas and California

There! Think I can do it?

No matter how difficult it gets to do these things, the one thing that I will constantly remind myself (and oddly, it actually consoles me a little) is that life is full of things that we don't want to do. And everyday, the "go-getters" get themselves up and do these things. They go to the gym and work out or jog down the street before the rest of us even get out of bed and they finish their screenplays and manuscripts. They paint masterpieces and sew sweaters, do housework and grow gardens. And at the end of that long day, they read a book before turning off the lights and sleeping only to do it all again. And I will only be successful if I learn to stay in that mode. Fortunately, I can say I've done it before. It's just sticking with it that I have to learn to do . . . as with everything else.

Wish me luck!

Hide Your Kids, Hide Your Wife . . . Irene is Coming!

Hurricane Irene is supposed to be one of the biggest storms to hit the East Coast in over 50 years and today is the big day she'll greet us with her presence. So after a busy day of preparation - washing clothes, freezing water, grocery shopping - we wait. The stores have been packed with people stocking up on water, batteries and flashlights. All kinds of events have shut down - including some oldie's party at my mom's apartment complex tonight and a church convention my Aunt was going to this weekend. People have been comparing the impending storm to Hurricane Katrina, which (knock-on-wood) is a strong exaggeration. But it's supposed to be big. The national news has been reporting on this storm and warning people not to leave their homes. And most people are taking heed to this advice because nobody wants to take the chance of being caught in the rain, being hit by a tree or getting blown away by the wind. Nobody . . . except for my dad.

You see, his retirement party is today. And as far as my dad is concerned, nobody is going to take that away from him . . . not even God himself. He has worked too hard and done too much for people not to come to his shindig. The storm's going to be outside and the party's inside, so . . . no big deal, right? Either way, there is no convincing him to re-plan this thing and I'm really shocked the Fire hall didn't forbid his usage of the facility in the first place. I just hope that he won't be too disappointed when people start to cancel. And I really hope that nobody gets hurt trying to drive to his thing. As for me . . . I live an hour and a half away from where this event is going to be. The drive would be treacherous. In the case that this HUGE hurricane turns out to be a glorified drizzle, I'll go. But for some odd reason, I doubt it.

:-(

Blog Update - The retirement party has since been cancelled. Thank you Jesus!