Saturday, February 18, 2012

I Need a Person

I rarely ever use blogger to vent.  In fact, I am not very good at posting on a regular basis.  Maybe because I know that my significant other reads this or maybe just because I usually always have someone to vent to (sorry, Mom for making your ears bleed - lol). But today is one of those days where I need to pour out my soul.

So, those new memes that have started to appear on facebook?  You know . . .

What People Think I Do / What I Really Do

So yeah, that's mine.  :-)  And boy is it true!  Downed 2 excedrin 3 hours ago and still waiting for them to kick in.

Regardless, I have a member of my crew (an old college friend) that I would like to fire.  I am convinced that he is trying to sabotage my web series.  Here is the list of things that he's done (thus far) to make me want to end his life.

- Told me that he wanted to be the casting director for my project and proceeds to book a room to use for auditions on Saturday at 2pm.  On Saturday, he accepts the responsibility of babysitting his 7 and 10 year old nieces.

- At precisely 1:45pm (after his car dies and we jump it), he tells me that he has to go pick someone else up.

- I tell him to do whatever the hell he wants (even though I've never held an audition before) because shit, it's 2pm and I don't have time to worry about it.  However, he has his 2 (bad ass) nieces, which he proceeds to leave with me while he goes out to pick up the 3rd person - who must be important - because why the hell would the casting director leave his own auditions unless it was for something important?

- He heads out to pick up another child. (Because he works in an after school program and saw THIS AUDITION as a great opportunity to show the kid something positive.)   Comes to the audition 45 minutes later with no kid (because said kid was not even home.)

- Asked to play the DJ on the first episode and did not bring ANY DJ'ing equipment.

- Showed up late for the first episode because he had a prior engagement.

- Stood outside of prior engagement hanging out and talking to people (because - despite the fact that he knew I was waiting for him - he didn't know I was waiting across the street).

- Twice in a row, has either over-casted an episode or under-casted.  Today 3 people showed up for the same part, and two people didn't even show up AT ALL.  (My head is pounding as I type this).  In other words, for 2 of the three episodes that we shot, we didn't have the people we needed - which is a HUGE freaking deal.

- Keeps bringing people with NO ACTING EXPERIENCE to play roles in the web series.  Lies and says these people will be "great" and proceeds to tell people not to mention that they have no experience.

- Tells people they have roles that they do not have and then proceeds to manipulate the production so that these people can have these roles.

- Is annoying, makes funny sounds during taping, talks too damn much and does nothing but text people while we are shooting.

- Argues everything.

So that's that.  He is one of the main characters in the show, unfortunately, and while dude can act his ass off, I can't wait to fire him as the casting guy.  This was his last day (as casting director) and from this point on, I plan on casting my own show.

I Need a Person

One thing that I keep saying throughout this production is "I need a person."  Nobody seems to get what that means (which is understandable - because I'm surrounded by "persons"). But the fact that nobody gets this serves to me as even more evidence that I need a person.  So allow me to explain.  When I was in Japan, I made a best friend.  A soul-mate, if you will.  She was "my person."  I could walk into a room and without so much as an explanation, I could ask her, "hat or scarf?" and she would be like "Scarf!"  I would sit down and a warm cup of tea would appear in front of me.  It was like we were always communicating, even when we weren't.  It kind of felt like in those movies when the two heroes would be back to back, fighting off the enemy, moving in a circle, kicking ass.  Unfortunately, she lives in California now and I have no one.  Don't get me wrong, I have some best friends out here on the East Coast - including the signif. other, but I don't have a "person."  And this peeves the S.O. because he would like to consider himself my "person."

But, he's not.

So while I'm shooting, these are the things that I end up dealing with . . .
- Doing audio (because I'm the audio person)
- Making sure everyone is okay
- Introducing myself and explaining the scenes to the actors (the ones who actually bother to show up)
- Answering questions
- Deciding how the scene will be shot visually and logistically (being that we are missing actors)
- Moving things out the way
- Giving people directions to my home
- Trying to keep the production moving because we're "losing daylight"
- Telling people how to say their lines
- Making sure everyone has their script

Now these are all things that I don't mind doing, but some of these things could stand to be outsourced - and if I had "a person" they would know that.  For example,  I asked my S.O. if he could run out and grab some food before people arrived.  Unfortunately, he ended up on a 45 minute phone call with his sister.  When he got off the phone, he proceeded to clean the apartment from top to bottom, insisting that we move the furniture around to get the places under the table.  I vacuumed and then he goes behind me vacuuming to make sure that I got all of the spots, even though you can't tell with our rug.  Then, of course, everyone showed up and it was too late to get food.  I was disappointed and hungry as hell.

People got to my place and started asking for water and my stomach was growling so loud during production that I waited for it to stop before I shouted "Action." It was a bad moment for me because providing food was the only payoff I could get for these people.  It was the only thing that I'd promised and not only did it NOT happen, but people ended up being in my (hot ass) apartment for hours on end with absolutely nothing to eat or drink (besides, of course, water).

My signif. other/ love of my life/ future husband/ camera guy spends way too much time on shots that I don't care about.  When I want to pow-wow with him, he is nowhere to be found.  I am surrounded by my actors who want to give me advice about shit that doesn't concern them whatsoever and my camera guy is shooting a rose on the ground or the outside of a building.  When I ask him for advice, he replies with "You're the director." Sometimes I think he hates me when we are shooting the web series.  And I don't blame him.  I forget to say action, forget to call the scene, forget to say "cut," forget to quiet everyone on the set, forget what scene we are shooting, forget to push record on audio, etc.  And then when he goes to do those things, I yell at him and say, "I know!"  I don't know where this monster comes from - and it is embarrassing.  After we finish shooting, I feel exhausted, angry and ashamed and I want to grab a beer, in a bar, alone.

Don't get me wrong, I love telling a story through the camera.  I love the idea that this will one day be on the public access channel in my town and on the internet and people can look at it and laugh.  If I had a million dollar budget, this would be much easier.  But I don't.  I am broke as hell, lol.  So I have to rely on myself and my excedrin.

And craigslist.

So tomorrow, I will be posting an ad for "a person."  Hopefully, they won't mind being paid in water.