Maybe We Do Have Bad Attitudes

I may piss a lot of people off with this one but who the hell cares?  This is my blog and I can say what I wanna.  (Now that the unwarranted, guilt-ridden self-defensive statement is out of the way . . . )  One of my best friends was on the Anderson Cooper show on Friday with her boyfriend.  The show was talking about interracial relationships (my friend is a white woman and her man is black.)  Well, at some point in the show, a black lady made a comment that she's disgusted when she sees black men with white women and that black men only date white women because they're more submissive and blah-blah-blah (I wasn't really listening).  The comment was ignorant (in my opinion) and personally, I thought the whole thing (the show, the topic, etc.) was silly to begin with.  I think the show was promoting the book Is Marriage for White People which is a stupid question.  Truth be told, I was only watching it to support my buddy.  Who really gives a rat's ass about interracial dating nowadays?  (Again, my humble opinion)  Either way, after she spoke, Anderson went over to my friends and asked them what they thought about the lady's comment.  Tyrone said that he was disgusted with it, but he also said that White women do have more of an easy-going/bubbly attitude.  My friend, Sarah (after mentioning that she has black female friends - that would be me yall, lol) then kind of reinforces her man's words by saying that yeah, Black women can be a little defensive.

I laughed at the "oohs" that she got from the audience.  Of course, Jacque Reed jumped in and explained Black women's viewpoint (or whatever) as to our anger and pain or something (still not really listening).  I guess the whole thing just went over my head.  Granted, I am a black woman.  This is an undeniable truth.  But as someone who's spent a lot of time on the receiving end of judgements, anger and nastiness of my sisters (and I mean "sistahs" not my biological sisters, though they have had their days); I can honestly raise the question that maybe - just maybe - we do have some f**ed up attitudes.  It goes without saying that there are plenty of White women (and Asian and Hispanic - just women in general) with bad attitudes, but I can only speak from my experiences as a Black woman (who has had to defend myself against the stereotype my whole life.)

I don't have a lot of black female friends.  I have about 2 to tell you the truth.  Other than them, I have a couple white girlfriends, hispanic and now a few Japanese girlfriends.  In the grand scheme of things, as someone who's grown up in the housing projects (surrounded by Black women, mind you), in a small poor neighborhood, pledged a Black sorority, minored in African American Studies in school, and jumped through damn near every hoop that most Black woman have to jump through (dealing with Black men, going to church, self-esteem issues, racism, sexism, etc.) - I've still emerged with only two Black female friends who are not in my family.  2.  And one of them is in my sorority - so that feels a little "default-ish" too.

Either way, I've always been someone with a friendly personality.  I'm uninhibited with who I talk to and have been known to be friendly and very "unassuming."  To the point where a good amount of Black women have questioned my blackness and the ones who didn't just assumed that something was a little off with me.  And throughout all of the rejection, I used to defend my sisters.  To the point where I would be extra nice in situations where I didn't have to be.  I've listened to Black men rant about Black women and I've attempted to defend "us" and be "the voice of reason" as if I could explain it all.  Truth was, I couldn't.  I barely had two black girlfriends to rub together.  There were times when I'd seen sistahs go in on people for some of the stupidest shit that I could not in a thousand lifetimes explain.  Hell, there were times when sistahs have gone in on me, for some dumb shit - and I had no idea how to react.  It was like I was a member of a gang and I didn't know our "colors" or gang signs.  (I remember back in college, one of my sorority sisters was telling me that she wanted a girl to join our sorority because she and the girl were ready to fight at one point.  She said that this was the kind of toughness that she wanted in our "clique."  I just looked at her confused.  Why would you want someone with a jacked up attitude to work with you side by side in a sorority?  Wouldn't you want a nice person to do like sisterly stuff with - you know, sisterhood?)  Either way, I guess this was why I didn't (and don't) have a lot of Black female friends.  That attitude is part of the "strong" "real" "take-no-mess" category that we like to put ourselves into and frankly . . . I don't have have it.  It doesn't make me weak, or fake or submissive, but it definitely makes me a little different.  And part of coming into my own was accepting this fact about myself - and honestly, about my sistahs.

Now I don't necessarily believe that there is a correlation between Black women's attitudes and the whole lack of marriage "crisis" in the Black community.  With my rainbow coalition of friends, I get to see the whole perspective - and the truth is, my Japanese girlfriends (and white girlfriends) are singing the same tunes that my Black sisters are belting out (about not enough good men to go around).  And personally, I've had just as many Black men repulsed at my bubbly personality as there were ones who were delighted by it.  (It's just a matter of preference).  Just the other day, I walked over to one of the two Black dudes at the Meet and Greet for my job and you should have seen the quick eye-roll he had for me.  It wasn't until the rest of the peeps there started shaking my hand and talking to me, that he realized that I was "cool beans" and he began to converse a little as well.  It was like he realized that I didn't have the attitude . . . he did.  (That's what I like to call getting the "pre-attitude" attitude - something that I get a lot of as a BW.)  So yeah, Black men have a little work to do in the attitude department as well.  But when it comes down to my sistahs, I am not defending anyone anymore.  The only black female I will defend is myself and just because I'm a black woman doesn't mean that I don't have to deal with bad attitudes from other Black females.  I hate dealing with that mess too.  Shoot!  lol

You Live, You Learn

You ever think back to the person that you used to be in relationships? I did that the other day. I was sitting with the significant other, drinking margaritas at our favorite bar. (The food is meh, but the margaritas are off the hook.) While sitting with him and enjoying each other's company, I started reflecting a little (as I tend to do). I thought about how content I was with my current relationship. I saw how simple and mellow our little impromptu dinner was and then I went into serious flashback mode.

~Flashback~

I remembered when I dated this guy. I was 19 at the time and he was like 26, 27. I was in love with him and gave him anything he wanted. We had sex EVERY day. I picked him up (from his mama's house) in my broke down Ford Contour (until it completely died - and then I'd pick him up in my little Mercury Tracer). I laughed at his bad jokes. I spent my campus dollars, buying him food. We'd argue over retarded 'ish that is hard for me to even begin to explain (or admit) now. He told me that he didn't love me and I really believed that I could convince him he did (by being a better girlfriend).

Then I thought about another relationship where I convinced myself that I was a "friend with benefits" just so that I could be a part of that person's life. Even if we weren't really together, I hoped that maybe one day this person would see how wonderful I was and realize that I was "the woman of his dreams." I remember spending my money and time thinking that there would be a payoff (or the sex - which was absolutely terrible - would get better). At one point, I remember driving up to a Blockbuster Video on a particularly snowy day (to drop off a movie) with the guy in my car. And when we pulled up to the drop box, which was right next to his side of the car, he didn't even budge to get out and drop it in the box. These are all things that I couldn't even imagine putting up with now.

~Back to the bar~

I started to laugh. My man-friend was looking at me and trying to figure out what was so funny. I explained to him that the guys that I used to date would absolutely HATE MY FREAKING GUTS now and we both started laughing. Needless to say, he knew exactly what I was talking about. Back in the day, I was any guy's dream-come-true. Naive, moldable, overly-sweet, in excellent physical shape (which I need to get back to), sexual and willing to take on any challenge in a relationship.

Nowadays, not so much. The same guys that I dated would probably think I was the biggest bitch in heels today. (No pun intended on the "big" part. I've gained some weight, but to the naked eye, I still look "in shape" lol) I haven't had to deal with bull-crap in a long time and I am curious as to how I would respond to it today. I couldn't begin to imagine the dripping sarcasm I would probably have. It makes me chuckle just to think about it.

So, I just sat at my little table with my man-friend, chomping on nachos and talking about life and whatever. And deep inside, I was thanking God for allowing me to gain wisdom and confidence as a person.

Just a little peek into my history