You ever think back to the person that you used to be in relationships? I did that the other day. I was sitting with the significant other, drinking margaritas at our favorite bar. (The food is meh, but the margaritas are off the hook.) While sitting with him and enjoying each other's company, I started reflecting a little (as I tend to do). I thought about how content I was with my current relationship. I saw how simple and mellow our little impromptu dinner was and then I went into serious flashback mode.
~Flashback~
I remembered when I dated this guy. I was 19 at the time and he was like 26, 27. I was in love with him and gave him anything he wanted. We had sex EVERY day. I picked him up (from his mama's house) in my broke down Ford Contour (until it completely died - and then I'd pick him up in my little Mercury Tracer). I laughed at his bad jokes. I spent my campus dollars, buying him food. We'd argue over retarded 'ish that is hard for me to even begin to explain (or admit) now. He told me that he didn't love me and I really believed that I could convince him he did (by being a better girlfriend).
Then I thought about another relationship where I convinced myself that I was a "friend with benefits" just so that I could be a part of that person's life. Even if we weren't really together, I hoped that maybe one day this person would see how wonderful I was and realize that I was "the woman of his dreams." I remember spending my money and time thinking that there would be a payoff (or the sex - which was absolutely terrible - would get better). At one point, I remember driving up to a Blockbuster Video on a particularly snowy day (to drop off a movie) with the guy in my car. And when we pulled up to the drop box, which was right next to his side of the car, he didn't even budge to get out and drop it in the box. These are all things that I couldn't even imagine putting up with now.
~Back to the bar~
I started to laugh. My man-friend was looking at me and trying to figure out what was so funny. I explained to him that the guys that I used to date would absolutely HATE MY FREAKING GUTS now and we both started laughing. Needless to say, he knew exactly what I was talking about. Back in the day, I was any guy's dream-come-true. Naive, moldable, overly-sweet, in excellent physical shape (which I need to get back to), sexual and willing to take on any challenge in a relationship.
Nowadays, not so much. The same guys that I dated would probably think I was the biggest bitch in heels today. (No pun intended on the "big" part. I've gained some weight, but to the naked eye, I still look "in shape" lol) I haven't had to deal with bull-crap in a long time and I am curious as to how I would respond to it today. I couldn't begin to imagine the dripping sarcasm I would probably have. It makes me chuckle just to think about it.
So, I just sat at my little table with my man-friend, chomping on nachos and talking about life and whatever. And deep inside, I was thanking God for allowing me to gain wisdom and confidence as a person.
Just a little peek into my history
Amen! Growing older and wiser is a nice experience :)
ReplyDeleteI also used to put up with a lot...what is it about being young that makes us think there isn't more to life than what we were doing then? I wouldn't trade in my experiences now for anything, though :)
It's amazing what we do and what we put up with. When I look back, it's as if I'm studying someone related to me, but not me. I was going to say if I could go back with my present knowledge, people would not like me, too;but I was not particularly liked then, so...
ReplyDeleteI bent over backwards for people. I gave them the benefit of the doubt before seeing if the person was worthy of trust, my time, etc. What we give of ourselves is extremely precious. I'm glad to be at a point where I know not to give up my time unless the person is worth it.
Sometimes I think about who I was, and who I've become and I often miss the naive, sweet person, but I understand that my transformation was just part of evolution. Either I change or not survive. Though I am a little more hardened, a little less perfect I love who I am now, my discerning eye, razor sharp tongue, and even my voluptuous (gotta love euphemisms!) frame. I would love to see what my exes think of me now. Maybe we would get along, maybe we wouldn't, but I truly believe that men try to get away with whatever we allow them to, so maybe they would step up to the plate, and embrace the new me....
ReplyDelete@Cecilia - Yes! That's exactly what it was. I didn't think there was more to life than my mediocre relationship. Thank goodness I managed to get through college at all, lol.
ReplyDelete@Bighead - It's funny how that works isn't it? I used to bend over backward for anyone and everyone and I still managed to make enemies, lol. Now I don't try as hard to win people over. I just let situations be.
@Islandbaby - You're right, guys will try to get away with whatever we as women allow them. And in the name of being "a good girlfriend" I let them get away with any and everything. They didn't respect me for that (and it showed.) But the funny part about it was that every guy that I mentioned has tried to beg their way back into the relationship because they realized that other women were a little more "real" with them. And they didn't like that. And now that I'm a little more "grown" and "real," I don't think they would appreciate the new me either (even though the new me is pretty awesome :-)