I Was a Teenage Weirdo

"Nah, I wouldn't go.  On second thought, yes, I would go.  It's probably the only time that all of the people I really hate will be gathered together at the same place - and I can finally blow them all up."
- A quote from my twin sister when I asked her if she would go to our High School Reunion

 Now before you run to the police station and accuse my (obviously very bitter) sister of attempted terrorism - I just want to say - she's only kidding.  She's a proud mother of two and isn't going to ruin her life (or anybody else's) by blowing up our High School class.  But she pretty much sums up how a lot of people feel about going to their H.S. reunion.  As you have probably already guessed, my reunion has rolled around.  *It's been 10 years already?!*  And a bunch of memories have been flooding back into my mind.  Being nerdy for two years.  Coming into my own for the next two years.  Making new friends and being terrorized by new enemies.  Situations that I wish I could do over and things that I'm glad I did right the first time.  The blood, the sweat and of course the gallons and gallons of tears.  (Sidenote: Regardless of everything I've said, I will take the worst of my H.S. years over my best day of Middle School any day.  Middle School is a hell that no human being should ever have to experience.)

So I'm trying to figure out if I should go.  Why?  I have no idea.  I only had 3 real friends in H.S. and I have hung out with 2 of them pretty much since the day I graduated.  There's really nobody else on my radar - and I doubt that I'm on anyone's radar, either.

Sidenote:
Actually, me and my sis argued about this a little.  She says that people will be expecting - even hoping - that we show up.  And ironically, within 5 minutes, I received an email from the President of our class saying she especially wanted me there because we belonged to the same sorority.  I was surprised and horrified at the same time.  (And yes, I joined a sorority in college.  Why?  Because deep down inside, I'm a glutton for punishment, lol.)  So one might argue that my sister is right, but I think people have more of a fleeting Facebook interest in me.  For example, a couple of months ago, I received a friend invitation from a girl I went to school with (she was my neighbor for years and one of the rare people that was nice to me in middle school) and she asked me what I was doing with my life and extended a few pleasantries.  I accepted her invitation and told her what I was doing and asked her the same thing but received no response.  In fact, I just found out two days ago that she'd deleted me from her friend's list.  So I guess it was a quick and nosey way of seeing what I was doing but nothing beyond that.  And to be honest, I'm not upset or surprised.  That's what Facebook is about.
End of Sidenote  :-)


I would be lying if I said there's not a part of me that wants to go back and "dazzle" everyone with my new-found confidence and "great dressing" ability and impressive resume (that still won't land me a job in my field - but nobody has to know all that!  ;-).  But I know this idea would only work in the imaginary world of a 15 year old, desperate for acceptance.  In reality, it would be like getting all gussied up to go to Spain and run with the bulls.  It's only "fun" in theory.  In reality, it's a dangerous blood sport that leaves the dead and injured in its wake and the only real joy is making it out alive.  LOL - I'm being extra.  Let me reel this back in . . .

Moral to Story:
It's really not that serious. I was a weirdo in school, but now I've grown into a (still weird) but hot swan - if I do say so myself - and I didn't really like the people that I went to school with.  If I went, essentially, I would be paying 30 bucks to hang around a bunch of people that I would have paid millions of dollars to get away from 10 years ago.  I wish them all the best, and I'm sure I'll be be seeing pictures of those folks on "the book."

On a lighter note, here's what it would look like if I went to my H.S. reunion . . .








(CLASSIC!)

The First Day of the Rest of My Life?

So today while on a walk with my pup, I realized that I have a fear of commitment. Rather, I should say that I realized how deep my fear of commitment actually ran. It's so deep that I haven't really finished anything in life. I mean, like I haven't committed to anything from start to finish. Writing blogs, reading books, writing screenplays, my relationship (and relationships in general), jobs, projects, diets, the list goes on and on and on. This idea crept up on me in the middle of the park while attempting to read a book. And to tell you the truth, I'm a little shocked by it.

So, I'm fighting my first urge which is to experience guilt and feelings of failure which is my body's natural defense against coming up with real solutions. Instead I've decided to dig into this a little; do a little soul searching. Why don't I finish anything? Why do I suddenly just drop things never to return and complete them? It didn't take long for me to come up with this simple answer: I drop things in life when I no longer want to do them anymore, when they become unpleasant or I'm distracted by something shinier and especially when they become too much work - which, to be honest, depends on the day and what kind of mood I'm in. (There are some exceptions like employment and school, but best believe I've left plenty of jobs as soon as another opportunity arose.)

But upon looking back at the different situations, I ask myself Could I have stayed longer? And the answer, sadly, is no. Followed by Why should I? Why stay in a situation that is unpleasant in order to prove a point? But I guess that's where I've been wrong all of this time. Because that doesn't make up for all of the unfinished books, blogs, journals, screenplays, relationships, projects, diets, and whatever else I decide to pick up and then leave by the wayside. Finishing those things wouldn't prove a point. They would be accomplishing a goal. So I've decided that my year starts now . . . in the month of September. And my goal is to finish EVERY SINGLE THING that I have started in life.

These things include . . .

10 books

2 blogs

15 Paintings

3 screenplays

Finish whatever it is I've been trying to knit

840 hours of service

A solid work-out regimen

Lose 15 lbs.

Get married or get off the pot, so-to-speak

Hem the curtain in my living room

Purge my house and throw out all unnecessary items

And visit my friends in Texas and California

There! Think I can do it?

No matter how difficult it gets to do these things, the one thing that I will constantly remind myself (and oddly, it actually consoles me a little) is that life is full of things that we don't want to do. And everyday, the "go-getters" get themselves up and do these things. They go to the gym and work out or jog down the street before the rest of us even get out of bed and they finish their screenplays and manuscripts. They paint masterpieces and sew sweaters, do housework and grow gardens. And at the end of that long day, they read a book before turning off the lights and sleeping only to do it all again. And I will only be successful if I learn to stay in that mode. Fortunately, I can say I've done it before. It's just sticking with it that I have to learn to do . . . as with everything else.

Wish me luck!