You Live, You Learn

You ever think back to the person that you used to be in relationships? I did that the other day. I was sitting with the significant other, drinking margaritas at our favorite bar. (The food is meh, but the margaritas are off the hook.) While sitting with him and enjoying each other's company, I started reflecting a little (as I tend to do). I thought about how content I was with my current relationship. I saw how simple and mellow our little impromptu dinner was and then I went into serious flashback mode.

~Flashback~

I remembered when I dated this guy. I was 19 at the time and he was like 26, 27. I was in love with him and gave him anything he wanted. We had sex EVERY day. I picked him up (from his mama's house) in my broke down Ford Contour (until it completely died - and then I'd pick him up in my little Mercury Tracer). I laughed at his bad jokes. I spent my campus dollars, buying him food. We'd argue over retarded 'ish that is hard for me to even begin to explain (or admit) now. He told me that he didn't love me and I really believed that I could convince him he did (by being a better girlfriend).

Then I thought about another relationship where I convinced myself that I was a "friend with benefits" just so that I could be a part of that person's life. Even if we weren't really together, I hoped that maybe one day this person would see how wonderful I was and realize that I was "the woman of his dreams." I remember spending my money and time thinking that there would be a payoff (or the sex - which was absolutely terrible - would get better). At one point, I remember driving up to a Blockbuster Video on a particularly snowy day (to drop off a movie) with the guy in my car. And when we pulled up to the drop box, which was right next to his side of the car, he didn't even budge to get out and drop it in the box. These are all things that I couldn't even imagine putting up with now.

~Back to the bar~

I started to laugh. My man-friend was looking at me and trying to figure out what was so funny. I explained to him that the guys that I used to date would absolutely HATE MY FREAKING GUTS now and we both started laughing. Needless to say, he knew exactly what I was talking about. Back in the day, I was any guy's dream-come-true. Naive, moldable, overly-sweet, in excellent physical shape (which I need to get back to), sexual and willing to take on any challenge in a relationship.

Nowadays, not so much. The same guys that I dated would probably think I was the biggest bitch in heels today. (No pun intended on the "big" part. I've gained some weight, but to the naked eye, I still look "in shape" lol) I haven't had to deal with bull-crap in a long time and I am curious as to how I would respond to it today. I couldn't begin to imagine the dripping sarcasm I would probably have. It makes me chuckle just to think about it.

So, I just sat at my little table with my man-friend, chomping on nachos and talking about life and whatever. And deep inside, I was thanking God for allowing me to gain wisdom and confidence as a person.

Just a little peek into my history

Father Figure

I'm seeing a guy that's 16 years my senior. My "man-friend" if you will. He is everything that I've ever wanted in a mate. Caring, interesting, intelligent, thoughtful, hard-working, extremely chivalrous, funny and mature yet obnoxious (like me, lol :-). He has excellent credit (which is a double plus, plus). We can talk for hours, or not talk for hours and just be. When we go somewhere or do something together, our thinking processes are so similar that we pick up on the same exact things . . . sometimes making the same responses aloud. We rarely argue and if we do, it's over quickly. (I haven't connected with anyone this much since my twin sister). BUT . . . he is 16 years my senior.

Last night, I had a dream that I was at a concert with my father. And have you ever had a dream where your life has some kind of alternative history? Well, at some point in the dream it dawns on me that I was actually in a relationship with my father. Like I'd been seeing him. My first thought was anger and disgust. I have to break this off, now I kept thinking to myself. I decided that I was going to tell Pops to kick rocks on the drive home. And I was also going to give him a piece of my mind, letting him know that he should be ashamed of himself for taking advantage of his own daughter. Then later on I breathed a sigh of relief when I realized that I wasn't in a relationship with my father . . . I was in a relationship with my current "Man-friend" duuhh!. In the dream it was like, "Oooooh! Phew!" (giggle, giggle) But when I woke up, my thoughts were not thoughts of relief. It was more like confusion and fear.

I've always understood dreams to be your mind's idea of what's going on in your life. Like your deepest, realest thoughts. Make sense? So if that's the case, I guess I feel like I'm dating my father. When I explored my own history in my mind, I found that I was a textbook case for someone with "father issues."

1. Raised by a single-parent mom
2. Never really saw a grown man step up and take the lead or represent for his family
3. Never really saw a grown man be a bread-winner
4. Never saw a man have a meaningful, long-term relationship with a woman (wife, daughter, sister).

Don't get me wrong, I love my dad. But unfortunately, he didn't do any of these things.

So here comes the current beau who does all of these things, but he is old enough to be my dad (well, my teenage dad) and when we go out, sometimes people think he is my dad. I find him attractive, even though he is graying a little and has a bit of a belly. He is athletic, but is now getting to that age where . . . well, let's face it, he ain't getting any younger and cannot rumble with the young bucks the way he used to. He's a divorcee which is kind of bothersome to me (I think divorces are for quitters - except in extreme cases - but that's a whole nother article). All of these things aren't an issue to me now, but the problem is will they bother me in the future? What if all of this love wears off and the only thing left is anger and resentment? In my dream, I felt like the "father" person I was dating had taken advantage of me. Is this how I really feel about my current relationship? What if I find a man my age with all of these qualities and I want out? What if I leave and never find this kind of man again? . . . A lot of things to sort out here.

My friends (who know about him) think that he's too old. But they also know about the bull shit I've been through with guys my own age. Everybody else has no idea that I'm even in a serious relationship . . . and they all wonder (sometimes aloud) why I'm still single. The bottom line is that I've always been at this crossroads with my relationship and I know that involving friends and family will just influence me one way or the other. It's a choice that I will make or it will be made for me. We'll see.

Just thought I'd share my thoughts on that. And for the record . . . he's 42.

Was it worth it Tiger? Well . . . was it!?!

I don't judge the guy. (Well, I can't - because God knows I've made my mistakes) I've always respected the way that he's dealt with the politics of fame. He never spoke publicly about his political, racial or social views. He only allowed people to judge him on the basis of his talent as an athlete, which was absolutely fricking UNDENIABLE. I loved this about him. It pissed a lot of people off, but I thought it was genius. He had being discreet and unbiased down to a science. A science that a whole lot of other celebs could stand to study at times. And then he does this.

Are you kidding Tiger? For real? You gosta be kidding me! I still appreciate the guy's athleticism but I'm disappointed. (Don't mean to alienate any of my readers) But as a Black athlete (even though he calls himself . . . what? . . . Cablasian, I think it is? LOL You're Black Tiger) as a BLACK athlete in a particularly White sport, Tiger's had a whole lot of things to overcome and he's been able to keep his shit so tight up to this point that nobody and I mean nobody could touch him. Now . . . (sigh) now he's got people like Shaq defending him. Shaq?! And every news station and newspaper and tabloid is covering this story like it's the first time a man's ever stuck his penis inside a woman's vagina.

Tiger, Tiger, Tiger. I don't know what to tell you dude. You fell for the oldest trick in the book man. How could you be so careless? Didn't you ever hear the saying, "Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead." As a famous person you can never . . . NEVER . . . never, ever, ever have sex with someone and think it's not going to get out. (Sigh! -Slaps him upside the head-) Dumbass!

Arnetta Green

Dear President Obama,

They just got Tiger. You're the only upstanding Black male public figure we got left. DO NOT ruin your squeaky clean image with a mistress. It is the oldest trick in the book. God-speed!

Arnetta Green

Here's a list of other people who broke my heart by cheating on their wives:

Bill Clinton (of course)

Jesse Jackson

Martin Luther King

John Edwards

Bill Cosby

Kobe Bryant

Shaquille O'Neal

Emotional Handicap

So I went out with one of my best friends today. It's restaurant week in the city of brotherly love, so we decided to try out a restaurant that we probably wouldn't be able to afford on any other night. The food was meh, nothing to write home about really, but the company was divine. We both got a chance to let loose and unload everything on our minds from our jobs, to our relationships, thoughts on religion, how much we masturbate (don't ask :-), everything. We talk about absolutely everything together (and agree on pretty much everything too).

So anywho, she was telling me that her boyfriend is extra sensitive, takes everything the wrong way and that they argue about everything, all the time. I was very disappointed to hear this and thought about a relationship that I had where I argued with a guy all the time. In that (VERY short lived) relationship, the guy was explaining to me that he was a jerk because both his parents were deceased. In other words he "didn't know how to love." And I remember trying to explain this to my mother, to which she responded with, "So? Let someone else take on that job." At the time, I thought she was being a little insensitive, but sitting there listening to my friend I wanted to say something along those same lines.

While talking to my friend, I started to notice that she was explaining away his behaviors with the "he had a rough childhood" excuse. I was telling her to be careful with that because she might be biting off more than she can chew and sometimes people don't need an "understanding girlfriend" they need a therapist. She agreed and understood, but while thinking about it later on, I had the strangest revelation. Ready?

Okay, choosing to be with someone with emotional problems is like dating someone with a physical handicap. Just like nobody goes into a relationship expecting to change the love of their life's diapers, and take care of them for the rest of their life, nobody wants to do that kind of stuff emotionally. But we do it without even realizing it because when it's an emotional handicap, it's not as "tangible." You're not touching, smelling, tasting someone's problems so they don't exist or they're not that bad.

"Oh, they had a rough childhood, they were an orphan, they grew up in a dumpster, etc." There's usually some horrible thing that happened in the past that has caused some unfortunate problem, but at the end of the day, that person is still handicapped and this is going to leave their partner in a tough situation. Do they sit there and become the person's caregiver/devoted partner, or do they find someone that's in good mental health in the first place? I know personally (and this is going to make me sound like an asshole) I never imagined that I'd settle down with someone who is morbidly obese, blind, wheelchair bound, siamese twin, etc. Now this is not to say that I won't in the future (you never know what direction life might take you-and you can't help who you fall in love with) but I know the mental picture in my head never looked that way. And I'm sure that if someone were to see a physical manifestation of the problems their loved one might be facing, they would turn the other way and run.

So at the end of the day, I see the same deal with us women folk. Someone who is the mental/emotional equivalent of a skinny, pale and blotchy skinned, wheelchair bound, paraplegic rolling toward us pulling an oxygen tank in one hand and holding an IV pole with the other is A-okay. And we'll explain it off to our friends like, "oh, well he got the leprosy when he was 3." Um, maybe you should leave the treatment to a professional? "No, he just needs someone who understands him."

I can even argue to say that being with someone with an emotional handicap is harder than dealing with someone with a physical handicap because at least a physical handicap is not as personal. It's just a barrier that stops the person from doing things in a conventional way. They have to overcome real barriers, not invisible ones. Whereas when someone has emotional issues, they have to overcome psychological barriers that you can't even see. And chances are, they're going to be taking shots at you while trying to overcome those imaginary barriers. Now that's work! I mean, a regular relationship is hard enough.

But more power to the people who decide to take that on. I wouldn't. Just my thoughts on things.

Not That There's Anything Wrong With That

So I love gay men, does that make me gay? Turns out that most of the guys I've been attracted to in life turn out to either be gay or have some very questionable tendencies.

Por ejemplo I was on Crackbook the other day, typing away as if I didn't have a crap-load of things I needed to do. I came across an old friend, the guy who graced me with my first real kiss almost 10 years ago. The most heart racing, stomach fluttering, yummy bestest first kiss everrrr!!! Now when I met this cat he was tall, dark and geeky. We were teenagers (I was 16, he was 17) so he had the bumpy face thing going on, a bad haircut, crooked teeth . . . you know, the usual. I'd just hit the "growing into my looks" mark, so things were looking up for me but I was still a major dork so naturally we gravitated toward each other. He was nice, but strange because we would argue about weird stuff and he would always stand me up for dates or show up at my house at weird times . . . but all that is beside the point. The point is, a couple years later the boy grew into his looks. Got a good haircut, bulked up a little, complexion evened out and uh, he was looking right on many levels. We kept in touch via email, instant messaging and all that stuff. Occasionally I would check him out on BlackPlanet (back when that was cool, lol) and he would a have a bunch of photos of himself staring at the camera with an intense look. You know, the bad lighting, standing in the middle of the living room, get your little brother or sister to take the picture for you so it's always taken from a lower perspective, lol.

I was impressed, but it grew increasingly obvious through the pictures and stuff he would write on his page that he was really smelling himself lately and was developing a bit of an ego. Fast forward to a couple months ago, I found him on Myspace (right before Facebook blew up, lol) and I'm looking at a bunch of air brushed photos of him. Looking good, of course, but it was well beyond the ghetto-fabulous "standing in the middle of my bedroom taking a picture of myself with my shirt off" photos. These photos were really professional. And there were tons of them. Him standing by the pool, standing on the beach, standing in front of a white back drop, laying on a silk sheet. Now this is where the gay radar should have kicked in, very slightly. I mean, the man looked good, but he was looking a little too good. His eyebrows were arched perfectly, his shirts (if he wore any) were always a little extra tight (unless of course they were open, exposing his bare chest). He must be coming up in the world, I thought to myself. He looks really good but I wonder why he's always single. Oh well! . . . lalalalala (I sang, while picking daisies and skipping through the fields.)

Okay skip to yesterday I'm on Crackbook and my old friend posts up a picture of his new roommate. His roommate is a very good looking guy and of course me being the pervert goofball that I am, I post a swoony comment; which leads to our joking around and having some dialogue. So I decided to check out his pictures, expecting to see as usual a bunch of pictures of him with his shirt off at the beach or some nonsense. Well, I came across some tangy-ness that I am still coming to terms with. A bunch of the pictures I saw showcased him and his very good-looking guy friends. All with arched eyebrows and vneck shirts or open shirts staring intensely into the camera. Some of the guys looked flamboyantly gay and the rest well, they just looked gay by association. There were airbrushed "to death" pictures of my friend wearing light colored contact lenses. Pictures of him smiling wildly in a pack full of his friends with captions about them being "good looking" or "an exclusive bunch." Um, okay, well maybe it's like that in LA I reasoned. Then the picture that ended all doubt. Him with a group of his friends, and he's kissing the back of another dude's head. Me being the person I am, I had to ask my current *ahem* flame. (Yes, I've been seeing someone. :-)

Flame: Yes, dude is gay.
Me: Well maybe the camera is at an angle where it looks like he's kissing . . .
Flame: No! He's gay. Now turn off the computer so we can go get something to eat.

Damn! lol

Now there's nothing wrong with my old friend being gay, if he is (look, I'm still questioning it LOL). I guess my thing is, (if he is gay) he will cement my pattern of picking guys who are either in the closet or very well near it. The first guy I was really into turned out to be bisexual. But he wasn't the worst.

The worst was this guy I once dated who desperately defended gay people (without provocation), would talk about how secure he is with his sexuality (again without provocation) and would compliment other men a little too much for my tastes, and he would also brag about how some dude at his job had a crush on him . . . even going to the man's home to play cards with the guy. Now I didn't have a problem with all of these things at that time (because I was a moron and put up with anything), but today, I don't think I could put up with that kind of foolishness. I mean, I can understand a guy being secure with his sexuality, but I would not put up with a boyfriend being antagonizingly defensive while complimenting some other dude more than he complimented me. Or who was deathly afraid of "more masculine" men. Which (for both of these things) was the case, big time with my ex. It was sad. The Justin Timberlake concerts, the man-crushes, the constantly putting down women yet constantly seeking to impress men (sigh!).

So I used to date this guy who was "a regular." You know a guy that you go out with from time to time during a relationship dry season. Now I knew that he kind of wanted something serious with me, but I couldn't imagine letting that happen. I mean he was extremely good looking and very smart, but he had 2 gay roommates and waaaay too many gay male friends. And they were all in love with him (which there's nothing wrong with) but I still think there must have been something he was getting out of that arrangement. Also, he had some very feminine qualities. Par exemple, when we went out I always drove even when it was his car. When we ate out, I always ended up paying for something or other. He always took forever to order at restaurants and he only ordered the girliest of drinks. He never gave me his jacket when I was cold (one time even telling me that's why he brought his heavy jacket because he knew it would be cold in the theater-and proceeded to bundle himself up). He even had some feminine mannerisms at times. Yada, yada, yada, the list goes on. And I'm aware that none of these things have anything to do with one's sexuality, but to me, these are vital "Man Code" laws that were being broken. Laws that any red-blooded heterosexual man would die rather than break. In other words, there was absolutely nothing about this man (outside of his looks) that yelled out "Masculine!" and in my old age, I'm starting to feel that I need that in my life.

I need a guy that has body hair, and no sense of style. A guy that loves women, has guy friends and doesn't have his finger on the pulse of the gay community. A guy that feels awkward being hit on by a gay man, not flattered to the point of making the guy his roommate. A guy that knows how to change a flat tire and that doesn't mind being tackled by his wannabe tomboy girlfriend (who thinks she's strong). A guy that can hold a conversation with my father (the ultimate man's man) and who watches sports and doesn't refer to the players as his man crushes. A guy that loves me and caters to me in that special way that only a man can. You know, giving me his jacket while he freezes to death and pretends he's fine. Or would rather drive than not. Or who is not afraid to give some other dude the eye for checking out "his" girl. Is that too much to ask? I guess it is if you want a clean cut, well dressed man these days. Which is what I used to go for, but now . . . not so much. Bring on the holy socks and the worn out sneakers baby!

(Okay Black woman's perspective) Personally, I think this all boils down to the lack of father figures in the Black community. Not enough guys out there know how to be men because they have never been shown. So a lot of this behavior has nothing to do with being gay (because there's a lot of chivalrous gay men out there) but it really just boils down to pure unadulterated ignorance. (But that's for another blog).

Now of course we all know that being macho doesn't exactly make you straight, but I guess what I'm saying is that my "gray area" is gradually disappearing when it comes to who I date. I used to be exactly like Cher on Clueless when it came to guys. And everybody would see the feminine qualities in my boyfriends except me. But things I used to be open-minded about, I can no longer tolerate. You gotta admit, though, I put up quite a fight back in the day. So while I'm definitely still attracted to gay men (yes, I admit it, I really love me some gay men), that doesn't mean I want to date them. I'm just wondering why it seems they want to date me.

And for the record, the guy I'm currently seeing knows the Man Codes and obeys them accordingly. It's refreshing to say the least. ;-) Maybe my next post will be a list of the Man Codes.