Father Figure

I'm seeing a guy that's 16 years my senior. My "man-friend" if you will. He is everything that I've ever wanted in a mate. Caring, interesting, intelligent, thoughtful, hard-working, extremely chivalrous, funny and mature yet obnoxious (like me, lol :-). He has excellent credit (which is a double plus, plus). We can talk for hours, or not talk for hours and just be. When we go somewhere or do something together, our thinking processes are so similar that we pick up on the same exact things . . . sometimes making the same responses aloud. We rarely argue and if we do, it's over quickly. (I haven't connected with anyone this much since my twin sister). BUT . . . he is 16 years my senior.

Last night, I had a dream that I was at a concert with my father. And have you ever had a dream where your life has some kind of alternative history? Well, at some point in the dream it dawns on me that I was actually in a relationship with my father. Like I'd been seeing him. My first thought was anger and disgust. I have to break this off, now I kept thinking to myself. I decided that I was going to tell Pops to kick rocks on the drive home. And I was also going to give him a piece of my mind, letting him know that he should be ashamed of himself for taking advantage of his own daughter. Then later on I breathed a sigh of relief when I realized that I wasn't in a relationship with my father . . . I was in a relationship with my current "Man-friend" duuhh!. In the dream it was like, "Oooooh! Phew!" (giggle, giggle) But when I woke up, my thoughts were not thoughts of relief. It was more like confusion and fear.

I've always understood dreams to be your mind's idea of what's going on in your life. Like your deepest, realest thoughts. Make sense? So if that's the case, I guess I feel like I'm dating my father. When I explored my own history in my mind, I found that I was a textbook case for someone with "father issues."

1. Raised by a single-parent mom
2. Never really saw a grown man step up and take the lead or represent for his family
3. Never really saw a grown man be a bread-winner
4. Never saw a man have a meaningful, long-term relationship with a woman (wife, daughter, sister).

Don't get me wrong, I love my dad. But unfortunately, he didn't do any of these things.

So here comes the current beau who does all of these things, but he is old enough to be my dad (well, my teenage dad) and when we go out, sometimes people think he is my dad. I find him attractive, even though he is graying a little and has a bit of a belly. He is athletic, but is now getting to that age where . . . well, let's face it, he ain't getting any younger and cannot rumble with the young bucks the way he used to. He's a divorcee which is kind of bothersome to me (I think divorces are for quitters - except in extreme cases - but that's a whole nother article). All of these things aren't an issue to me now, but the problem is will they bother me in the future? What if all of this love wears off and the only thing left is anger and resentment? In my dream, I felt like the "father" person I was dating had taken advantage of me. Is this how I really feel about my current relationship? What if I find a man my age with all of these qualities and I want out? What if I leave and never find this kind of man again? . . . A lot of things to sort out here.

My friends (who know about him) think that he's too old. But they also know about the bull shit I've been through with guys my own age. Everybody else has no idea that I'm even in a serious relationship . . . and they all wonder (sometimes aloud) why I'm still single. The bottom line is that I've always been at this crossroads with my relationship and I know that involving friends and family will just influence me one way or the other. It's a choice that I will make or it will be made for me. We'll see.

Just thought I'd share my thoughts on that. And for the record . . . he's 42.