I Need a Person

I rarely ever use blogger to vent.  In fact, I am not very good at posting on a regular basis.  Maybe because I know that my significant other reads this or maybe just because I usually always have someone to vent to (sorry, Mom for making your ears bleed - lol). But today is one of those days where I need to pour out my soul.

So, those new memes that have started to appear on facebook?  You know . . .



So yeah, that's mine.  :-)  And boy is it true!  Downed 2 excedrin 3 hours ago and still waiting for them to kick in.

Regardless, I have a member of my crew (an old college friend) that I would like to fire.  I am convinced that he is trying to sabotage my web series.  Here is the list of things that he's done (thus far) to make me want to end his life.

- Told me that he wanted to be the casting director for my project and proceeds to book a room to use for auditions on Saturday at 2pm.  On Saturday, he accepts the responsibility of babysitting his 7 and 10 year old nieces.

- At precisely 1:45pm (after his car dies and we jump it), he tells me that he has to go pick someone else up.

- I tell him to do whatever the hell he wants (even though I've never held an audition before) because shit, it's 2pm and I don't have time to worry about it.  However, he has his 2 (bad ass) nieces, which he proceeds to leave with me while he goes out to pick up the 3rd person - who must be important - because why the hell would the casting director leave his own auditions unless it was for something important?

- He heads out to pick up another child. (Because he works in an after school program and saw THIS AUDITION as a great opportunity to show the kid something positive.)   Comes to the audition 45 minutes later with no kid (because said kid was not even home.)

- Asked to play the DJ on the first episode and did not bring ANY DJ'ing equipment.

- Showed up late for the first episode because he had a prior engagement.

- Stood outside of prior engagement hanging out and talking to people (because - despite the fact that he knew I was waiting for him - he didn't know I was waiting across the street).

- Twice in a row, has either over-casted an episode or under-casted.  Today 3 people showed up for the same part, and two people didn't even show up AT ALL.  (My head is pounding as I type this).  In other words, for 2 of the three episodes that we shot, we didn't have the people we needed - which is a HUGE freaking deal.

- Keeps bringing people with NO ACTING EXPERIENCE to play roles in the web series.  Lies and says these people will be "great" and proceeds to tell people not to mention that they have no experience.

- Tells people they have roles that they do not have and then proceeds to manipulate the production so that these people can have these roles.

- Is annoying, makes funny sounds during taping, talks too damn much and does nothing but text people while we are shooting.

- Argues everything.

So that's that.  He is one of the main characters in the show, unfortunately, and while dude can act his ass off, I can't wait to fire him as the casting guy.  This was his last day (as casting director) and from this point on, I plan on casting my own show.

I Need a Person

One thing that I keep saying throughout this production is "I need a person."  Nobody seems to get what that means (which is understandable - because I'm surrounded by "persons"). But the fact that nobody gets this serves to me as even more evidence that I need a person.  So allow me to explain.  When I was in Japan, I made a best friend.  A soul-mate, if you will.  She was "my person."  I could walk into a room and without so much as an explanation, I could ask her, "hat or scarf?" and she would be like "Scarf!"  I would sit down and a warm cup of tea would appear in front of me.  It was like we were always communicating, even when we weren't.  It kind of felt like in those movies when the two heroes would be back to back, fighting off the enemy, moving in a circle, kicking ass.  Unfortunately, she lives in California now and I have no one.  Don't get me wrong, I have some best friends out here on the East Coast - including the signif. other, but I don't have a "person."  And this peeves the S.O. because he would like to consider himself my "person."

But, he's not.

So while I'm shooting, these are the things that I end up dealing with . . .
- Doing audio (because I'm the audio person)
- Making sure everyone is okay
- Introducing myself and explaining the scenes to the actors (the ones who actually bother to show up)
- Answering questions
- Deciding how the scene will be shot visually and logistically (being that we are missing actors)
- Moving things out the way
- Giving people directions to my home
- Trying to keep the production moving because we're "losing daylight"
- Telling people how to say their lines
- Making sure everyone has their script

Now these are all things that I don't mind doing, but some of these things could stand to be outsourced - and if I had "a person" they would know that.  For example,  I asked my S.O. if he could run out and grab some food before people arrived.  Unfortunately, he ended up on a 45 minute phone call with his sister.  When he got off the phone, he proceeded to clean the apartment from top to bottom, insisting that we move the furniture around to get the places under the table.  I vacuumed and then he goes behind me vacuuming to make sure that I got all of the spots, even though you can't tell with our rug.  Then, of course, everyone showed up and it was too late to get food.  I was disappointed and hungry as hell.

People got to my place and started asking for water and my stomach was growling so loud during production that I waited for it to stop before I shouted "Action." It was a bad moment for me because providing food was the only payoff I could get for these people.  It was the only thing that I'd promised and not only did it NOT happen, but people ended up being in my (hot ass) apartment for hours on end with absolutely nothing to eat or drink (besides, of course, water).

My signif. other/ love of my life/ future husband/ camera guy spends way too much time on shots that I don't care about.  When I want to pow-wow with him, he is nowhere to be found.  I am surrounded by my actors who want to give me advice about shit that doesn't concern them whatsoever and my camera guy is shooting a rose on the ground or the outside of a building.  When I ask him for advice, he replies with "You're the director." Sometimes I think he hates me when we are shooting the web series.  And I don't blame him.  I forget to say action, forget to call the scene, forget to say "cut," forget to quiet everyone on the set, forget what scene we are shooting, forget to push record on audio, etc.  And then when he goes to do those things, I yell at him and say, "I know!"  I don't know where this monster comes from - and it is embarrassing.  After we finish shooting, I feel exhausted, angry and ashamed and I want to grab a beer, in a bar, alone.

Don't get me wrong, I love telling a story through the camera.  I love the idea that this will one day be on the public access channel in my town and on the internet and people can look at it and laugh.  If I had a million dollar budget, this would be much easier.  But I don't.  I am broke as hell, lol.  So I have to rely on myself and my excedrin.

And craigslist.

So tomorrow, I will be posting an ad for "a person."  Hopefully, they won't mind being paid in water.

Just An Excuse to Post Some of My Favorite Songs

So last night I went to a Ledisi/ Mint Condition concert. Being that it was a Friday night and I work from 3am to 10am on Saturday mornings (and yes, I'm at work right now) I ended up getting only 2 hours of sleep. But boy was it worth it!!! Sooooo worth it! Ledisi tore up that stage and then Mint Condition went on ahead and set that ish on fiah.

Now here are some of the things that was running through my mind while Mint Condition slayed the audience.

1. I didn't know that "Stokley," Mint Condition's lead singer, was so short.
2. I also didn't know that he looked so much like Kirk Franklin - maybe it was his being short and wearing a hat and jumping around the whole stage.
2a. He may be short, but with a voice like that he could get it I can understand why he is the lead singer.
3. What happened to good male R&B groups?

So I got to thinking about some of the songs that came out during my formative years and how much music has changed since then. I remember singing R&B songs in the backseat of my mom's mini van along with my sisters. Just belting out lyrics that had no curse words, no reference to sex or body parts but had a grown person's swag to it that even we recognized as children. Songs so serious it made you understand that this man (and about 3 or 4 of his buddies) were pouring out their very souls...every last inch of what their heart could offer...putting it on a track and giving you the privilege of listening to it in the courtesy of your own home. With real drums, piano and saxophone in the background.

"This feeling is the one thing my heart is sure of." Yall don't hear me though!

I'm sorry not really but I am a lyric person. I listen to every word an "artist" sings and you can't just talk about "inventing sex" or "getting sex therapy." You have to grab my heart and just rip it out of my chest while it's still beating. I am very passionate about words. And I know that "sex sells" but I'm that old-fashioned kind of day-dreamy, romance obsessed girl that still listens to a song and imagines that it's about me.

(Even though this song really is about me. I actually have almondy, dark brown eyes in real life.)

So if you're going to sing about love, (deep RuPaul voice) you betta sing about LOVE. And I mean real love. Unlike these teeny boppers out here today, some of us can still tell the difference.

For example, have you ever been on your way to see the love of your life after not seeing them for maybe a year, a month, a week or even just one day. But the anticipation of seeing them makes you feel like your heart is going to just jump out of your chest?

Or have you ever gotten out of a relationship with someone that you loved because they didn't know how to give you what you needed? Well, I'ma need you to fast forward to 2:10 on this next video.

Or how about some plain, ole-fashioned feel good music?

And the videos! Remember the music videos?

You want special effects? 6 seconds in. (It's like they appear from thin air).

Cutting edge fashion? Just check out the shoulder pads and hair at 34 seconds.

Sensual dance moves? 1:28 to 1:40

And see who Rihanna stole those sunglasses from at 17 seconds.

Okay, okay, the videos weren't the best...but at least they tried!

On a positive note, there are plenty of good songs out there that remind me that R&B is not completely dead but I guess going to the Ledisi/ Mint Condition concert last night just brought back some nostalgic memories of my favorite male R&B groups. Also, I will be meeting Boyz II Men (another group that was killing the game) for an event coming up in April and I've been listening to a lot of their music lately. Seeing them perform should be interesting (despite the absence of Mike a.k.a the only decent looking one in the group). And that brings me to another thing about the R&B singers. They weren't lookers, but the way they sang and performed their songs...it didn't matter! In some cases, the uglier they were...the better they sounded.

If you can tell me who wasn't blasting that song in 1991, I will give you a million dollars!

Well, I guess we're at the end of this post. But you know I can't conclude without posting a song from one of the best male R&B groups of all time...

Sexual Chocolate!!!

They play so fine, don't you agree?

Emotional Handicap

So I went out with one of my best friends today. It's restaurant week in the city of brotherly love, so we decided to try out a restaurant that we probably wouldn't be able to afford on any other night. The food was meh, nothing to write home about really, but the company was divine. We both got a chance to let loose and unload everything on our minds from our jobs, to our relationships, thoughts on religion, how much we masturbate (don't ask :-), everything. We talk about absolutely everything together (and agree on pretty much everything too).

So anywho, she was telling me that her boyfriend is extra sensitive, takes everything the wrong way and that they argue about everything, all the time. I was very disappointed to hear this and thought about a relationship that I had where I argued with a guy all the time. In that (VERY short lived) relationship, the guy was explaining to me that he was a jerk because both his parents were deceased. In other words he "didn't know how to love." And I remember trying to explain this to my mother, to which she responded with, "So? Let someone else take on that job." At the time, I thought she was being a little insensitive, but sitting there listening to my friend I wanted to say something along those same lines.

While talking to my friend, I started to notice that she was explaining away his behaviors with the "he had a rough childhood" excuse. I was telling her to be careful with that because she might be biting off more than she can chew and sometimes people don't need an "understanding girlfriend" they need a therapist. She agreed and understood, but while thinking about it later on, I had the strangest revelation. Ready?

Okay, choosing to be with someone with emotional problems is like dating someone with a physical handicap. Just like nobody goes into a relationship expecting to change the love of their life's diapers, and take care of them for the rest of their life, nobody wants to do that kind of stuff emotionally. But we do it without even realizing it because when it's an emotional handicap, it's not as "tangible." You're not touching, smelling, tasting someone's problems so they don't exist or they're not that bad.

"Oh, they had a rough childhood, they were an orphan, they grew up in a dumpster, etc." There's usually some horrible thing that happened in the past that has caused some unfortunate problem, but at the end of the day, that person is still handicapped and this is going to leave their partner in a tough situation. Do they sit there and become the person's caregiver/devoted partner, or do they find someone that's in good mental health in the first place? I know personally (and this is going to make me sound like an asshole) I never imagined that I'd settle down with someone who is morbidly obese, blind, wheelchair bound, siamese twin, etc. Now this is not to say that I won't in the future (you never know what direction life might take you-and you can't help who you fall in love with) but I know the mental picture in my head never looked that way. And I'm sure that if someone were to see a physical manifestation of the problems their loved one might be facing, they would turn the other way and run.

So at the end of the day, I see the same deal with us women folk. Someone who is the mental/emotional equivalent of a skinny, pale and blotchy skinned, wheelchair bound, paraplegic rolling toward us pulling an oxygen tank in one hand and holding an IV pole with the other is A-okay. And we'll explain it off to our friends like, "oh, well he got the leprosy when he was 3." Um, maybe you should leave the treatment to a professional? "No, he just needs someone who understands him."

I can even argue to say that being with someone with an emotional handicap is harder than dealing with someone with a physical handicap because at least a physical handicap is not as personal. It's just a barrier that stops the person from doing things in a conventional way. They have to overcome real barriers, not invisible ones. Whereas when someone has emotional issues, they have to overcome psychological barriers that you can't even see. And chances are, they're going to be taking shots at you while trying to overcome those imaginary barriers. Now that's work! I mean, a regular relationship is hard enough.

But more power to the people who decide to take that on. I wouldn't. Just my thoughts on things.