Not That There's Anything Wrong With That

So I love gay men, does that make me gay? Turns out that most of the guys I've been attracted to in life turn out to either be gay or have some very questionable tendencies.

Por ejemplo I was on Crackbook the other day, typing away as if I didn't have a crap-load of things I needed to do. I came across an old friend, the guy who graced me with my first real kiss almost 10 years ago. The most heart racing, stomach fluttering, yummy bestest first kiss everrrr!!! Now when I met this cat he was tall, dark and geeky. We were teenagers (I was 16, he was 17) so he had the bumpy face thing going on, a bad haircut, crooked teeth . . . you know, the usual. I'd just hit the "growing into my looks" mark, so things were looking up for me but I was still a major dork so naturally we gravitated toward each other. He was nice, but strange because we would argue about weird stuff and he would always stand me up for dates or show up at my house at weird times . . . but all that is beside the point. The point is, a couple years later the boy grew into his looks. Got a good haircut, bulked up a little, complexion evened out and uh, he was looking right on many levels. We kept in touch via email, instant messaging and all that stuff. Occasionally I would check him out on BlackPlanet (back when that was cool, lol) and he would a have a bunch of photos of himself staring at the camera with an intense look. You know, the bad lighting, standing in the middle of the living room, get your little brother or sister to take the picture for you so it's always taken from a lower perspective, lol.

I was impressed, but it grew increasingly obvious through the pictures and stuff he would write on his page that he was really smelling himself lately and was developing a bit of an ego. Fast forward to a couple months ago, I found him on Myspace (right before Facebook blew up, lol) and I'm looking at a bunch of air brushed photos of him. Looking good, of course, but it was well beyond the ghetto-fabulous "standing in the middle of my bedroom taking a picture of myself with my shirt off" photos. These photos were really professional. And there were tons of them. Him standing by the pool, standing on the beach, standing in front of a white back drop, laying on a silk sheet. Now this is where the gay radar should have kicked in, very slightly. I mean, the man looked good, but he was looking a little too good. His eyebrows were arched perfectly, his shirts (if he wore any) were always a little extra tight (unless of course they were open, exposing his bare chest). He must be coming up in the world, I thought to myself. He looks really good but I wonder why he's always single. Oh well! . . . lalalalala (I sang, while picking daisies and skipping through the fields.)

Okay skip to yesterday I'm on Crackbook and my old friend posts up a picture of his new roommate. His roommate is a very good looking guy and of course me being the pervert goofball that I am, I post a swoony comment; which leads to our joking around and having some dialogue. So I decided to check out his pictures, expecting to see as usual a bunch of pictures of him with his shirt off at the beach or some nonsense. Well, I came across some tangy-ness that I am still coming to terms with. A bunch of the pictures I saw showcased him and his very good-looking guy friends. All with arched eyebrows and vneck shirts or open shirts staring intensely into the camera. Some of the guys looked flamboyantly gay and the rest well, they just looked gay by association. There were airbrushed "to death" pictures of my friend wearing light colored contact lenses. Pictures of him smiling wildly in a pack full of his friends with captions about them being "good looking" or "an exclusive bunch." Um, okay, well maybe it's like that in LA I reasoned. Then the picture that ended all doubt. Him with a group of his friends, and he's kissing the back of another dude's head. Me being the person I am, I had to ask my current *ahem* flame. (Yes, I've been seeing someone. :-)

Flame: Yes, dude is gay.
Me: Well maybe the camera is at an angle where it looks like he's kissing . . .
Flame: No! He's gay. Now turn off the computer so we can go get something to eat.

Damn! lol

Now there's nothing wrong with my old friend being gay, if he is (look, I'm still questioning it LOL). I guess my thing is, (if he is gay) he will cement my pattern of picking guys who are either in the closet or very well near it. The first guy I was really into turned out to be bisexual. But he wasn't the worst.

The worst was this guy I once dated who desperately defended gay people (without provocation), would talk about how secure he is with his sexuality (again without provocation) and would compliment other men a little too much for my tastes, and he would also brag about how some dude at his job had a crush on him . . . even going to the man's home to play cards with the guy. Now I didn't have a problem with all of these things at that time (because I was a moron and put up with anything), but today, I don't think I could put up with that kind of foolishness. I mean, I can understand a guy being secure with his sexuality, but I would not put up with a boyfriend being antagonizingly defensive while complimenting some other dude more than he complimented me. Or who was deathly afraid of "more masculine" men. Which (for both of these things) was the case, big time with my ex. It was sad. The Justin Timberlake concerts, the man-crushes, the constantly putting down women yet constantly seeking to impress men (sigh!).

So I used to date this guy who was "a regular." You know a guy that you go out with from time to time during a relationship dry season. Now I knew that he kind of wanted something serious with me, but I couldn't imagine letting that happen. I mean he was extremely good looking and very smart, but he had 2 gay roommates and waaaay too many gay male friends. And they were all in love with him (which there's nothing wrong with) but I still think there must have been something he was getting out of that arrangement. Also, he had some very feminine qualities. Par exemple, when we went out I always drove even when it was his car. When we ate out, I always ended up paying for something or other. He always took forever to order at restaurants and he only ordered the girliest of drinks. He never gave me his jacket when I was cold (one time even telling me that's why he brought his heavy jacket because he knew it would be cold in the theater-and proceeded to bundle himself up). He even had some feminine mannerisms at times. Yada, yada, yada, the list goes on. And I'm aware that none of these things have anything to do with one's sexuality, but to me, these are vital "Man Code" laws that were being broken. Laws that any red-blooded heterosexual man would die rather than break. In other words, there was absolutely nothing about this man (outside of his looks) that yelled out "Masculine!" and in my old age, I'm starting to feel that I need that in my life.

I need a guy that has body hair, and no sense of style. A guy that loves women, has guy friends and doesn't have his finger on the pulse of the gay community. A guy that feels awkward being hit on by a gay man, not flattered to the point of making the guy his roommate. A guy that knows how to change a flat tire and that doesn't mind being tackled by his wannabe tomboy girlfriend (who thinks she's strong). A guy that can hold a conversation with my father (the ultimate man's man) and who watches sports and doesn't refer to the players as his man crushes. A guy that loves me and caters to me in that special way that only a man can. You know, giving me his jacket while he freezes to death and pretends he's fine. Or would rather drive than not. Or who is not afraid to give some other dude the eye for checking out "his" girl. Is that too much to ask? I guess it is if you want a clean cut, well dressed man these days. Which is what I used to go for, but now . . . not so much. Bring on the holy socks and the worn out sneakers baby!

(Okay Black woman's perspective) Personally, I think this all boils down to the lack of father figures in the Black community. Not enough guys out there know how to be men because they have never been shown. So a lot of this behavior has nothing to do with being gay (because there's a lot of chivalrous gay men out there) but it really just boils down to pure unadulterated ignorance. (But that's for another blog).

Now of course we all know that being macho doesn't exactly make you straight, but I guess what I'm saying is that my "gray area" is gradually disappearing when it comes to who I date. I used to be exactly like Cher on Clueless when it came to guys. And everybody would see the feminine qualities in my boyfriends except me. But things I used to be open-minded about, I can no longer tolerate. You gotta admit, though, I put up quite a fight back in the day. So while I'm definitely still attracted to gay men (yes, I admit it, I really love me some gay men), that doesn't mean I want to date them. I'm just wondering why it seems they want to date me.

And for the record, the guy I'm currently seeing knows the Man Codes and obeys them accordingly. It's refreshing to say the least. ;-) Maybe my next post will be a list of the Man Codes.