Big Mama

Soap Box Rant # 34 (Put on some earmuffs, Some explicit language)

Ignorance and inconsideration are the two great causes of the ruin of mankind.

- John Tillotson (1630-1694)

Truer words were never spoken.  This quote was brought on by my mother's weight. Hm, okay. Let me try to explain that better. A recent happening concerning my mother and her weight, brought to mind this quote. You see, my mother is overweight (not confined to a bed or anything out of the ordinary, just run of the mill big). She has struggled with her weight since youth, as many of the women in my family have (and still do). Diets, exercise, medications, she has tried them all.  But it is hard to fight addiction and over forty years of bad eating habits (just ask Oprah and oh, over 55 percent of the American population.)

As a youngin, I didn't get it. My mother was a big, beautiful, larger than life figure to me. The quintessential Big Mama. A strong, old-fashioned, matronly figure who provided warmth in the winter and shade in the summer. To be embraced by her and fall asleep with one's head on her chest was the most comfortable and loving place to be in the world. I was proud of her, especially if I was so lucky to have her come visit my school. I couldn't wait to tell the other children, "That's my mommy!" with the biggest gap-toothed grin I could muster. She was magnificent and graceful to me. More of an idea than an actual person. Firm, but fair. And despite her weight, she's a tall and statuesque woman so if you rubbed her the wrong way, she could put the fear of God into you. But she definitely had the "Everybody's Mama" matronly thing going on, that made all kinds of people come to her for advice. Needless to say, I absolutely adored my mother (and still do) and wanted to be just like her, size and all.

Now things are a bit different and as I've grown, my views of my mother have evolved overtime (as they do with most children). I went from being uber proud of my mother, to being slightly embarrassed of her, to feeling guilty about my embarrassment, to feeling angry at her for being fat, to feeling angry at other people for being so mean and heartless. Sadly, I feel like this is where I have paused for a moment. Angry at other people. (I'm working on it.) The teasing, the comments, the suggestions, the questions, the whispering, the giggles . . . it just never ends.  And from grown people too!  Which is something that has definitely shocked me.  Despite my superficial experiences, I could never imagine the pain that my mother has to go through everyday.

Which brings me to the story that spurned my little quote about ignorance. My mother (who will be going into the hospital in a couple days, to prepare for lap band surgery*) was at the grocery store with my 3 year old niece, her granddaughter. Unfortunately, the two don't get out to the grocery store very much# so this was a pleasant occasion. From what I was told, my mother passes by the customer service desk and upon glancing behind the desk sees a woman looking at her with disgust. My mother ignores it (probably something she has to do a lot) and once the woman is behind her, she hears the woman say loud enough for everyone to hear, "Disgusting!"

When I heard this story, I saw RED. I immediately wanted to go to the grocery store, find this woman, grab her by the shirt and say, "Listen you fucking piece of shit! There's a special place in hell for bitches like you and I'd be glad to take you there personally if I knew I wouldn't have to go to jail for it." (Sigh) But alas! I refrained. I swallowed this story, just like I have to swallow the other crap in life that is thrown my way. What did Whoopie say in The Color Purple? This life be over soon.

Okay, I'm forgetting my point. What's my point here? Argh! Um . . . yes, I am not overweight. In fact, I am very much in shape and I have my mother to thank for that. She always encouraged my sisters and I to be physically active because she didn't want us to suffer the same struggles that she has had in life. And we haven't. The reason I bring up my weight is because it seems like I am in an ideal position to judge nearly every person around me. If I wanted to start pointing out flabby arms and belly fat, I can have my pick of nearly anyone I come into contact with these days. But I couldn't IMAGINE wanting to do that to someone. I couldn't IMAGINE saying something nasty to someone, laughing at someone, ridiculing someone, UNSOLICITED, and living with myself, even moving on with my day and thinking that I just benefitted a situation.

And there have been so many occasions, while out with my mother, that I have experienced that very thing. It's a very helpless feeling to say the least. How would you feel if you were walking with your mother and this is the type of shit you have to experience? I mean, you wouldn't be able to yell at everyone to stop. You can't say, "You're doing something horrible to people who don't deserve this!" I can totally understand what it feels like to live in the 1960's and have to experience hatred based on someone's appearance.  People have not changed.

And I know that some will argue that gluttony/greed is a sin and people ought not to let themselves go, so on and so forth.  But the only thing I can say is that passing judgement, extending public ridicule and shame, in other words being IGNORANT AS HELL is not the solution to the problem.  If it was, every problem in the world would have been fixed by now.  Being "big boned-ed" is not the equivalent to being a child molester or an alchoholic.  It's a tough addiction because food is a necessity for life.  It's like being addicted to water. Ah, why am I trying to break this stuff down, lol.  I swear, from looking at me, you would never know that I am an advocate for people who suffer eating disorders be it anorexia, bulimia, over eating, etc.  It's tough and I pray everyday for people who have to suffer with that.  I have my own problems, but thankfully, I don't have to wear them for the world to see.

Anywho, I'm trying to do the right thing, Lord knows I'm trying. Despite my inner, profanity laced rants,* I say the serenity prayer and try hard not to judge those very same people. Just the way I was raised I guess. I can't wait until the meek inherit the earth, I just hope that by that time I will have stayed strong enough to be counted in amongst the meek.*

*  After years of dieting, exercising and fluctuating weight loss and gain she has decided that this is the most promising route to go in order to kick start her new lifestyle.  I agree, and plan to support her in this 100%.

#  My sister (a chef) does most of the grocery shopping for my mother so that she doesn't have to struggle with certain temptations.

* Again, I apologize for the explicit language in this blog.  I don't curse like this often, but I just have to vent and there's nothing like a well placed @%&! when you need one sometimes.