Back from the dead, Killed by Forgiveness

Soap Box Rant #403

To err is human, to forgive divine.

Alexander Pope, An Essay on Criticism

(1688-1784)

The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.

Thomas Szasz, The Second Sin (1973) "Personal Conduct"

It's a new day.  And in order to celebrate this new day (and also to redeem myself of Soap Box Rant #34 which was not very light hearted) I've decided to talk about forgiveness.  

But why forgiveness Ms. Green?

Glad you asked . . . the other day I was visiting a close friend from college, let's call him Kyle*.  We hadn't spoken in a while, so we were catching each other up and he was telling me about how he spent his Memorial Day Weekend.  He says, "So, I went to ~blank~ and met up with (pause) . . . you're not going to like this Arnetta, but I met up with Billy-Bob and (pause) Jim."  Dunh, dunh, duuuuhn!!!

Did he say Jim?  The same Jim that I gave my heart to Freshman year of college?  The same Jim that took said heart, broke it in 2, took a crap on it, set it on fire, and put said fire out with his urine?  All within a period of a year?  That Jim?  Yep, that's who he said.  My friend had been friends with Jim since I could remember.  Actually, that's how I met and befriended Kyle in the first place.  So it makes perfect sense that he would hook up with his old buddy.  Why not?

Kyle seemed stuck in a dramatic pause, waiting for my reaction.  So I laughed and said, "Kyle, I couldn't care less about Jim or who you choose to hang with.  Go on with your story." Kyle seemed a bit surprised.  And I was left trying to figure out why the theatrics. Why was Kyle still  in the mindset that I was walking around with a load of laundry on my shoulders from goodness, over 7 years ago, and the truth is, I don't even wear that wardrobe anymore.

Giving him the benefit of the doubt, I can be a very grudge-tastic person.  As a leo, I am loyal to the end which makes it that much more devastating when the line has been crossed.  I can be the loudest, most dramatic, most Scarlet O'hara-ish person you will ever come across.  "As Gawd is my witness, I'll nevah trust ~so and so~ AGAIN!"  Everyone will have heard my story and about how horrible of a person this was and so on and so forth.  I'll even do the person's voice and mannerisms when recounting the treacherous tale.  But then suddenly, the heroine triumphs, the curtain closes and the show is over.  And . . . everybody goes home.

Maybe Kyle thought that he was going to get an encore performance some 7 years later.  He couldn't be more wrong.  The truth is, I have forgiven Jim. I still think about him sometimes, but not with the same sadness and anger that I used to have.  I'd like to think that I have matured since and grown to understand that Jim was a person with some serious demons.  While it was unfortunate that I was hurt in the way that I was, I am very glad that I escaped that situation in tact and can only pray that he is not doing the same to someone else.  Either way, this story reminded me of something that happened a couple months prior to my conversation with Kyle.

My silly photographic memory (especially when it comes to boyfriends) refuses to forget certain things.  And this is what gets me in trouble with the forgiveness side.  A couple months ago, I was working online while listening to the news.  A quick story on the news was about a local person that died in a car accident.  Worried, I looked at the television screen only to see a car that had an uncanny resemblance to Jim's car from back in college.  I wasn't sure if he was driving the same car, but I looked at the license plate (yes, I remembered his license plate from back then) and I swear, for a split second, I secretly hoped it was his car.  And it wasn't, thank goodness.

But by that point, my conscience was immediately jolted.  How could my heart betray me like that?  I am still ashamed to recount this story.  I can count on one finger how many times I thought of that guy before this news blurb incident and as soon as I saw this car all of the negative thoughts about this guy that I worked so hard to release had come back and wished death on him while he was out in the world just trying to live his life.

So after talking to my friend a couple days ago, I had to question whether I truly did forgive Jim.  And the answer is yes, I really think that I have forgiven this man.  I just had a relapse, that's all.  Kind of like having a war flashback.  But I'm good now.

And Jim, if you're out there.  I know that  yesterday you requested my friendship on Facebook.  (chuckles) Thanks, but no thanks.  Yes, you are forgiven.  But we do not have to be friends.  How bout we just start over as if we've never met and then follow that up by never meeting.  Just know that I wish you peace in this life and hope for the next.

*Names have been changed.