Wednesday, November 9, 2011

I Could Use a Hug . . . and Maybe a Cheeseburger

So today, I had a mini breakdown.  Here's how it all started...

A week ago, I got an email from my supervisor (from a seasonal job) asking me if I could come in and help him with an audit.  I gladly agreed to come in, because with all of the insurance stuff and the sudden popups of invitations to hang out with friends (more on that later), I could use the quick buck.  I got there and the first thing he asked me about was the insurance gig that I took on in NJ.  I tried to defend it the best I could but my colleague saw right through it.  "Don't you feel like you're moving backward?" he said.  And there it was.  I died a little inside.

For the rest of the day at work, I filed papers and looked at Youtube videos of people - most of them younger than me - living my dream.  For the rest of the day, I thought to myself, "What the farfutnoogen have I been doing wrong?  How come I get an idea to do something and then just sit on my ass and not do it?  Are all of my failures stemming from laziness, or just a fear of trying?"

Now I know I've written about this before, but . . . I dunno . . . after today, I just really got angry and to tell you the truth, I'm still angry.  I guess it's because I have no one to blame but myself.  It doesn't help that I just got my 10 year high school anniversary invitation on FB today.  I'm feeling like I'm running out of time.  I'm feeling like I need to really hustle and make a major move.  Like Japan style . . . you know, get on an airplane and as one of my best friends would say "get sh** done."  But it's like, I just picked up this insurance gig.  I need the money and it would be hard for me to get things done if I didn't have some disposable income.  Am I sabotaging myself?  I have a pre-test to take tomorrow and then the real test to take on Friday and I haven't studied one bit.  (I'm staring at the insurance website right now.)  Wtf?!

What I really want to do is write.  I want to write and produce/direct and edit for TV.  I worked as an editor at a dead end job for 6 years before moving to Japan to free myself.  But now I'm back and I have a ton of ideas and have even written them out.  I have the camera and equipment.  But actually taking the time to really commit is something that I have never done and I don't know why.  Actually, I do know why.  I expected to make a break-through using the connections and experiences I cultivated at (what turned out to be) that dead-end job also, I am full of fear.  Pure, unadulterated fear.  Either way, I'm just having some doubts about myself.  I guess everybody reaches that point in their life.  And the boyfriend is even worse off than I am.  He has the time and the money but no idea where to start or what to do.  (It doesn't help that he's a major procrastinator).  But the closer and closer I get to signing the contract with this company, the more it feels like falling out of an airplane with a broken parachute. This is that part in the movie where someone grabs me by the shoulders and says "Pull yourself together!" after of course, slapping me in the face.

So that's where I'm at right now.  A quarter life crisis.  (Actually, it's more like a third life crisis)  *shivers*  Don't get old kids.  And by old, I mean 28.

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