Dear Everyone

Dear Japanese people,

How are y. . . Oh! . . . Why, yes! I do look different. I'm tall, my skin is brown and my hair is different. Obviously I'm from another country. I know it's a little confusing and it's probably hard for you to really focus on what I'm saying to you because I look so gosh-darn strange. But technology is amazing and would you believe that there are these crazy things called airplanes that allow people from other countries to fly all the way to this small grouping of islands called Japan. I couldn't believe it either! Well, actually . . . I could. You see, I'm from America. There are all kinds of people in America. Tall, short, fat, skinny, brown, beige, blonde, brunette. Odds are, if you took an airplane to my country, you would not be stared at and pointed at the way that I am over here. In fact, no one would really care about you. That can be good and bad, though. Either way, thanks for all of the help that you've given me at times when I look extra lost. I guess it's worth all of the stares, giggles, and hair touching that I have to experience from time to time.

Sincerely,

The Freak of Nature Who's Mouth is Moving But You Don't Understand a Thing That She's Saying

Dear Elderly Japanese people,

I'm sorry about Hiroshima. I would love to tell you that during that terrible time, my people were being persecuted too . . . but I'm sure you don't want to hear all that. Regardless, attempting to play chicken with me on your bicycle is not going to make it all better. If anything, it might just send your old, fragile butt to the hospital. And don't try to blame it on your bad vision, either. When I am obviously riding my bike on the left side of the sidewalk, and you are obviously on the right side . . . there is no reason why you should suddenly start drifting over to my side, giving me as little room as humanly possible to eek by you. I know exactly what you're doing and it's not cute. And don't be surprised if I start to speed up. I am actually very good at chicken and I don't discriminate against the elderly . . . (in other words) I will run your butt over!

Sincerely,

"The Chicken Champion"

Dear Japanese parents,

I have only been here for 2 months, but I've been able to observe that you guys are successful at raising 2 types of children. There are the bright and gifted children. Intelligent and well rounded. Funny and refreshingly personable. I could go on and on. You put a lot of unnecessary pressure on these kids and oddly, some of them actually meet the challenge . . . but let's face it, most of them do not. Some of these kids barely know how to speak Japanese and you really expect them to sit down once a week and be able to absorb a foreign language. And they try to, but sometimes I think it's just important for you to know that your child IS doing their best and just because they can't recite the U.S. constitution doesn't meant they're not learning. Now to the parents of the OTHER kind of children. I think it's important for you to know that your children pick their boogers and eat them, scream and yell out as if they have tourette syndrome, throw things, run around and don't listen to a thing that I say or just sit and stare at the ceiling with their eyes glazed over for 40 straight minutes. To the parents of these particular children, I'm thinking you should stop sticking them into these classes and start actually raising them. Maybe then, you can decipher whether the problem is that your child is mentally retarded or if it's just that you did a terrible job of raising a stable human being. Only then, can the healing begin.

Sincerely,

The person who is trying to keep your children from killing one another

That's all I got. Now to find the nearest post office!