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Please watch the trailer for my new comedy web series!  It's funny, delightful and stars two very talented ladies.

Enjoy!

When Does It Stop?

I have always hated being poor.  Growing up in the housing projects, going shopping at Salvation Army, waiting in the welfare line, using food stamps, depending on child support from my semi deadbeat dad - all of these scenarios were things that I couldn't wait to distance myself from when I became a grown up.  When I went to college, I had to work part-time in order to pay for everything that wasn't covered by scholarship or loans.  I'm not saying I had a bad childhood or anything, I'm just saying that sh** wasn't always easy - hell, nothing was easy.

So yeah, we've established that I hate/hated being poor.  With that said, sometimes I wonder if I am the only one in my family that feels this way.  I find that I am always lending money to my family.  Every other week, I am receiving a text from my mom asking for money.  It started years and years ago when I got my first job out of college.  I would chip in and pay for rent.  It was my first job making real money and I was happy to help because as long as I could remember, my family was struggling.  Unfortunately, around that time, my sister had just had her first baby.  After that, I lent my mother/sis who were living together a large sum of money.  Since then it's been a few hundred here and there every couple months.  Between this time I have been working different jobs and sometimes not working at all and now I'm working again.  But the only thing that never seems to change is the "crisis" that my family is constantly in.

As I type this, I feel guilty because how do you say to the person that raised you, "Why can't you get it together?"  She raised me to be the goal oriented, strong-minded person that I am.  I owe my work ethic and sense of morality to my mother.  It is because of her that I am NOT a hooker/drug addict walking the streets because I had no one that loved me at home.  I was shown a huge amount of love and support from my mother and I know for a fact that she would not and did not hesitate to provide for my sisters and I.  But after years of lending money here and there and listening to my mother's struggles as well as my sisters, I can't help but to wonder why everybody else is in such a jacked up situation.

Well, actually I lied.  I have an idea as to why.  My sisters have made a lot of really bad decisions leading them to situations in life that are hard to escape without some kind of tragedy.  So they are stuck.  And if they wanted to "get out" of the hole they've dug themselves into, they're going to have to make sacrifices that they aren't willing to make.  My mother, on the other hand had a really messed up childhood that caused her to make a lot of bad decisions that continue to affect her life and health to this day.  So I guess that's it.  I have a dysfunctional family.  I'm sure that this doesn't make me different from a good 99% of folks in the world because every family has its problems but there just doesn't seem to be an easy way out.

I've explored the options in my mind.  I was telling my one sister that we need to have an airing of grievances one day.  Just gather the whole family and have a conversation about what's really going on with everyone.  I plan to tell them about my goals and ask them what their goals are.  I want to know that there is a light at the end of this tunnel of despair.  But sometimes I think they don't realize that it's despair.  I called my mom up yesterday and asked her what's going on?  She said, "Nothing.  Why?" as nonchalant as could be.  I told her that she'd asked for money again and I'm wondering if everything is okay.  She told me that of course everything is okay and she just wanted some spending money to get her through the weeks until she got paid again because she doesn't have anything in the bank right now.  What kind of pissed me off about that is the fact that she didn't even understand that this was a problem.  It seemed like she didn't understand that this wasn't normal.  It's as if all of the years of living hand to mouth has left her feeling like having absolutely nothing is just a minor inconvenience that everyone faces.  I told her that I want everyone to be okay and if she's asking for money, that means that she's not okay and that things are not okay.  She said that I was over thinking it.  I know that my mother feels guilty about always having to ask me for money.  She said that she plans on paying me and my fiancee back one day.  I told her don't bother, just get herself together so she doesn't have to ask in the future.  She says, she'd rather just pay us back.  I didn't get it (and I still don't) but if that's what makes her feel better, then fine.

It's just that at that moment, I wanted her to think about the constant asking.  I wanted her to know that I am a person, not a bank.  I have things I have to pay for and save up for.  I have goals and plans that I am continuing to make sacrifices to achieve. I understand that things are hard but she has to show me that she is at least trying.  She has to come up with a plan and actually stick to it long enough to see it through.  My man-friend knows my mother's checking account number - that's how much money we put into her account on a regular basis.  There is nothing nonchalant or normal about that.  At some point, there's got to be some progress.

One thing that my man-friend says is, "You're always going to have problems.  There's no escaping that.  The objective is to improve the quality of your problems."  And I agree with him.  I would like to see an improvement in the quality of my family's problems.  My sister doesn't make enough money to pay for child care yet she works a job that is an hour away from her home (and that's not accounting for traffic) while driving a gas guzzling car.  There are a ton of sacrifices that she can make, but she is choosing not to make them and putting my mom in a situation that leaves her without a lot of freedom because she has to take care of my niece.  All of these things are things that need to be addressed.  I just have no idea how to address them without causing anger/hostility/tension in my family.

I guess that's a sacrifice that I'm not willing to make.

Connecticut

So saddened by these events.  As you can see, it's taken me a few days to even work up the energy to write anything about the Connecticut school shooting. It's hard for me to see or hear about anything horrible happening to a child and to be honest, I haven't really thought about what has happened in detail because I can barely wrap my brain around it.  My prayers go out to everyone involved and I hope that the families and friends of those who were lost to this tragedy can find the inner strength to move forward.  When something like this happens you can't help but to start thinking about how it could have been prevented.  I think about it quite a bit, but in my opinion, Americans will continue to see these types of tragedies if we don't change our thinking on violence, guns and the mentally unstable.

My opinion . . .

Violence - Is glorified everywhere.  The news, TV shows, movies.  We treat murderers like super villains and the excessive media coverage makes it appealing for a psychopath to seek notoriety through taking their crimes to the next level.  Anything for the attention that seems to be guaranteed.

Guns - Should not be accessible to any and everybody.  Period.  It shouldn't be as easy as it is to be the victim of gun violence.  Most people couldn't be trusted with a pocket knife much less a gun.  And there have been so many studies that have proven that just touching a gun makes people more violent.  Why are we not understanding that?  Why are the lives of everyday people in the hands of other everyday people?

Mentally unstable - Should be profiled and watched.  Violent threats and violent people should be taken more seriously/ monitored closely.  Muslims are profiled, black men are profiled, Hispanics are profiled . . . but the people that commit these mass murders are not?  I think it's time to stop being racially insensitive when it's convenient and start focusing on the profiles of the people who are committing these kind of crimes.  And we all know the profile.

So that's it.  I don't mean to offend anyone because I understand that the world can be a dangerous place, but as a country we can't blame anyone but ourselves for these types of things.  Violence is not something that can be confined to "certain" neighborhoods and if it is allowed to exist anywhere, it exists everywhere.  We've got to do different.  And if we don't start to change the way we do things in this country, then all of the innocent people that have died through senseless gun violence have died in vain.

Just my thoughts.

Wicked Games

Watching music videos the other day I came across the song Wicked Games by The Weeknd.  I love the sound of the song and I think the video is really artistic and unique - and the production looks surprisingly simple.  When it gets down to it, however, I am a lyric person because I want to know exactly what I'm singing.  So I'm listening to this song and not getting it at all.  It sounds dark and twisted as hell.  Definitely not a "happy" song.  So I looked it up.  Here are the lyrics.

I left my girl back home

I don't love her no more

And she'll never fucking know that

These fucking eyes that I'm staring at

Let me see that ass

Look at all this cash

And I emptied out my cards to her

Now I'm fucking leaning on that

Bring your love baby I could bring my shame

Bring the drugs baby I could bring my pain

I got my heart right here

I got my scars right here

Bring the cups baby I could bring the drank

Bring your body baby I could bring you fame

And that's my motherf*cking words too

Just let me motherf*cking love you

Listen ma I'll give you all I got

Get me off of this

I need confidence in myself

Listen ma I'l give you all of me

Give me all of it

I need all of it to myself

So tell me you love me

Only for tonight

Only for one night

Even though you don't love me

Just tell me you love me

I'll give you what I need

I'll give you all of me

Even though you don't love me

Let me see you dance

I love to watch you dance

Take you down another level

And get you dancing with the devil

Take a shot of this

But I'm warning you

I'm on that shit you can't smell baby

So put down your perfume

Bring you love baby I could bring my shame

Bring the drugs baby I could bring my pain

I got my heart right here

I got muy scars right here

Bring the cups baby I could bring the drank

Bring your body baby I could bring you fame

And that's my motherf*cking word too

So let me motherf*cking love you

Listen ma I'll give you all I got

Get me off of this

I need confidence in myself

Listen ma I'll give you all of me

Give me all of it

I need all of it to myself

So tell me you love me

Only for tonight

Only for one night

Even though you don't love me

Juste tell me you love me

I'll give you what I need

I'll give you all of me

Even though you don't love me

It seems like lyrics have been getting more artistic lately.  Anywho, I'm thinking the song is like a confessional.  He's pretty-much singing about the things that 99.9% of basic rappers rap about - strippers, getting drunk/high, debauchery, what-have-you.  But throughout the song he's confessing the vulnerability that someone in that lifestyle has.  "Bring your love baby, I could bring my shame."  "Even though you don't love me, just tell me you love me."  "I need confidence in myself."

These are not things that a man sitting up in the King of Diamonds would openly shout at a stripper.  (Or maybe they do.  I don't know - I don't strip . . . in public.)  Regardless, that just popped into my mind and I thought I'd share that with the world.  What are your thoughts on the lyrics to this song?

My Diet

So I am again on a diet.  It all started after my Facebook creeping.  I deactivated my page a month ago so I could concentrate on applying to grad school, but after submitting my app last month, I've been slowly getting back on.  Well, lately, I've noticed my cousin with a body of steel.  She's been taking a million pictures looking intensely at the camera with bulging biceps and a rock hard six pack.  All of her posts are about getting fit and she documents her visits to the gym along with unfortunate members of my family who are apparently being dragged along by her at 6am in the morning.  There's this guy that comments on all of her posts like, "Go hard or go home!" and stuff like that.  The posts have been getting more intense as the months go on and it cracks me up, but I'm not going to lie - I want that six pack.  I want it bad.  Reeeal bad!!!

A couple weeks ago I worked a black tie dinner and asked one of my best friends to come along and volunteer.  I had to squeeze some spanks on so I could get into my dress without looking like a sausage and I noticed that my friend was looking a little thick as well.  We've known each other for a long time (about 11 years) and she's always been a really slim girl - actually, we've both always been slim.  So she was telling me that she's trying to lose some weight and being that my friend is a Type A personality, when she says she's going to do something, she always has some elaborate plan set up to get it done.  So I said, "Cool!  I want to lose weight too!  What's the plan? Let's work together."  Although, she was nice about it - she gave me a "You're on your own partner" kind of reply.  "I'm going to just talk to my dietician and he's probably going to put me on a low carb regimen.  And I'll also hit up the gym."
Me - "Oh."  (air completely deflated from my balloon.)  (Also thinking to myself, a dietician?  Well excuuuuuuuse me!)
So at that point, I decided to use the knowledge I'd acquired over the years and make my diet up.  So my diet at this point consists of counting calories and sticking to a diet high on protein and fiber, eating more fruit and veggies than meat and the only meat I'm eating is chicken and fish.  I heard that losing weight is 80% diet and 20% exercise.  So I've greatly decreased my calorie intake while also increasing the amount of times I eat per day.  I've been eating every three hours starting at 6:30am.
So that's 6:30am
9:30am
12:30pm
3:30pm
6:30pm
And maybe 9:30pm if I get hungry.

Also, I'm hitting the gym everyday and doing as many sit-ups as my stomach will allow along with some cardio and a whole lot of calisthenics and weight lifting.  I'm sitting here as sore as can be but something funny is happening.  I am not as hungry as I thought I'd be.  AND one thing that I never could have imagined is on my side.  My laziness.  You see, even when I am hungry - I don't have the willpower to get up and cook a healthy meal so I just sit and snack on almonds and drink a ton of water.  Either way, the weight is not exactly melting off but the muscle is definitely starting to reveal itself a little so that works for me, I guess.  I do crave cakes and pies but I want that six pack more - so we'll see which one wins out.

All right, that's all I got.  G'nite!!!

I Need a PR Person

I need to get into this writing thing.  Ughhhhh!!!!  Seriously!  What's the damn bloodclot?!

Now that that's out of the way . . . lately I've been feeling in a rush.  The whole moving across the country thing is starting to get to me.  Nightmares about going back to school and taking a big test are starting up again along with the nightmare of being in a car that has no breaks.  The nightmare of running down a highway at night.  Just nothing but dreams filled with panic and confusion.

Me and the man-friend have decided that March is going to be THE month.  All or nothing, baby!  The main thing is getting a job.  I'll be damned if I'm going to work at a mall again - on purpose.  I'm hitting the ground running when I get there and the plan is to land something in my field.  I'm feeling quite behind when it comes to modern technology, however.  I don't have a million facebook friends.  I don't have a million twitter followers.  I don't instagram.  I guess I don't find my life so interesting that I feel the need to share it with the world - says the girl who is blogging.  I guess what I mean is that all of those social networking sites are made for people who are promoting themselves in some sense or another and I don't have anything to promote right now.  Currently, I work at the mall in a job that is not in my field at all.  My relationship with my fiancee is very VERY low-key/under the radar.  I'm busy all the time and when I'm not busy, I watch movies or sleep.  Social networking is not really at my top of the list of things to do.  But I feel like jobs are looking for people who are interesting and have a huge cyber following.  The one thing that's in my corner is that I will be releasing my new web series soon so . . . yeah!  That takes up a lot of my time and I hope that the investment pays off.  Actually, that's a huge accomplishment.  *pats self on back*

So, I was at the gym the other day lifting weights and an old R&B song came on (something cheezy and greasy like Lisa Lisa Cult Jam or a Shalamar song) and I smiled to myself for a second, just taking it all in.  And then my stomach dropped.  And this just goes to show you how random my train of thoughts are - I thought to myself, "Crap!  Jobs are not looking for weirdos like me."  Don't worry, I'll explain the connection.  Nowadays it's not enough to just be AT the gym.  You have to take a picture of yourself at the gym and put it on FB, Instagram, Twitter and whatever else there is along with a caption that says "Getting my fitness on" or some sh** and of course with a hashtag #fitLife or #HealthLifestyle etc.  And if you are listening to an 80's song, you of course have to mention that you are listening to the song in an "ironic" kind of way, as if it just happens to be on - not because you genuinely enjoy it and it's on your iPod because that is the kind of music you listen to by choice.  For some odd reason, I felt very f*cked in that split second of a moment.  Like I need a PR person.  #MyLifeShouldBeCooler

Am I overreacting?  Lol